How is it that even during this truncated week, it still feels like the longest week ever? Oh yeah, because the leader of our country is torturing us and everyone is losing their goddamn mind.
In this week’s Shade Court, Kim Kardashian does her thing, Mashable wants me dead and 12-year-olds are vicious.
Shade Court Docket #2017JZ000071
The Case: Jennifer Lopez and Drake “dated” a few months ago. They have both since moved on from the “relationship,” JLo with Alex Rodriguez and Drake with whoever was next on his master list while wondering if he should take up basketball to get Rihanna’s attention.
Recently, someone captured a video of Jennifer during her show in Las Vegas. In the clip, we hear the music transition to Drake’s “Hotline Bling.” Immediately after, Jennifer grunts and proclaims: “Booty call!”
The Defendant: People magazine
The Evidence:
The Deliberation: Let’s first talk about the suggestion that JLo referring to Drake as her booty call is some sort of slight.
In order for this to be shade or anything close to an insult, we’d have to know that Drake felt their time together was serious while Jennifer didn’t. That’s the only way this is uncomplimentary. If they both saw this as a booty call-type situation, then there’s nothing to throw shade about. And let me tell you something: having either of these extremely attractive and wealthy people as one’s booty call would be fucking fantastic provided everyone communicated clearly about the arrangement.
This also all hinges on the relationship being both real and a relationship, which it almost certainly was not.
And of course, there’s this:
Fans are speculating Lopez was throwing shade at the rapper, but the bit has apparently been in the star’s show since opening night last year — long before she and Drake were ever linked together.
OH WOW OKAY SO MAYBE THIS WAS A COMPLETE WASTE OF EVERYONE’S TIME THEN??? THAT TIME IS A REAL CONCEPT WE SHOULD ALL PAY ATTENTION TO? Yes, probably.
The Ruling: Not shade
Shade Court Docket #2017JZ000072
The Case: Donald Trump pulled America out of the Paris Climate Agreement because he is a vindictive moron who likely could not make it through a 6th grade science lesson. Weather.com and people with a cursory understanding of science did not love this.
The Defendant: Mashable
The Evidence:
The Deliberation: Weather.com was trolling in an extremely pointed manner and everyone’s inability to see that is going to give me an ulcer.
Guys, they have his giant, blustery, stewed tomato face right there!!! They’re linking to EIGHT articles about climate change being real. Don’t get me wrong, this was a great troll, but shade it most certainly was not.
The crew over at Mashable is usually completely out of pocket when it comes to their shade usage and at this point, I’m not even sure a Paris Is Burning-only movie marathon and personal tutoring sessions from Mariah Carey herself would do the trick.
It’s ok to just have a lane and stay in it—I promise! One’s own lane is nice. It fits perfectly and doesn’t make you look silly or cause a certain judge’s eye to twitch like Thumper’s left foot. Just a thought...an appeal for consideration...a plea.
The Ruling: Not shade
Shade Court Docket #2017JZ000073
The Case: As you’ll remember from 30 seconds ago, President Steve Bannon pulled us out of the Paris Climate Agreement. Not long after, French president Emmanuel Macron made a speech about what a stupid decision it was. Macron closed his remarks on the subject pleading: “Make our planet great again. Thank you.”
He then tweeted this:
The Defendant: New York Daily News
The Evidence:
The Deliberation: Macron knows how to read a room.
When he was a foot away from Trump, he knew that something subtle would be the best way to drive him crazy. It was the exact kind of disrespect that would bother Trump the most and Macron knew even a man as oblivious as Donald would get the message clearly.
This time, however, Macron smartly took a different approach. For starters, we all know good and goddamn well Trump ain’t watching any speeches that aren’t his. We also know his staff literally makes shit up and passes it off as real information and shields him from any bad news like a parent who puts their hands over their 13 year old’s eyes to during the sex-y part of movies.
No, Macron wanted his point to be heard loud and clear and so obviously that even a buffoon like Trump would take notice. He’s out here using this idiot’s same stupid slogan. Plus, he did all this in ENGLISH. Sure, he was speaking to a global audience, but he also could have had one of these jams made up in French. Here, the only person he was talking to was Trump.
The Ruling: Not shade
Shade Court Docket #2017JZ000074
The Case: Kim Kardashian appeared on a special LA episode of Watch What Happens Live! BuzzFeed’s Sam Stryker was in the audience, and asked Kim about her nemesis Taylor Swift and whether or not things got awkward between Kendall Jenner and Taylor after Kim’s ether of the year considering Kendall was a part of Taylor’s “squad.”
Kim answered: “I don’t know if Kendall was part of her squad. I don’t think she was. Is.”
When asked if she’d heard from Taylor since then, Kim’s neck behaved like her face and barely moved while she said nothing.
The Defendant: BuzzFeed
The Evidence:
The Deliberation: Let me preface all this by expressing my deep dislike of the way this post is composed. At the same time, props to Sam for asking a great question.
Lord knows I can’t stand this woman, but strap yourself in good because here I come with a semi-compliment. One of the reasons Kim is often able to get away with throwing shade is because she deadpans all of her words and it sometimes makes sense. Plus, the only occasional inflection in her voice is upward, meaning, when answering the question, she sounds vaguely confused even though she likely knows exactly what she’s saying.
The fact is, Kendall and Taylor clearly were friends at some point, even though Kendall wasn’t around for some of the most obnoxious “squad” moments. Either way, I’d bet money that Taylor considered her part of the group and that Kim’s answer was new information.
I also appreciate how Kim didn’t even bother with some fake nice bullshit like, “I wish her well” or “No I haven’t spoken to her but I hear she’s good” or whatever. No, Kim gave the least amount of acknowledgment to a woman who craves it like fresh water and really, that’s how it’s done.
The Ruling: Shade
Special Mention
I feel like I shouldn’t put children on trial, so let’s just take a moment of appreciation for Scripps National Spelling Bee champ, 12-year-old Ananya Vinay. Following her win last night, Vinay was interviewed and asked a question about her final opponent, Rohan Rajeev.
ESPN: And how tough of an opponent was Rohan tonight?
Ananya: Well, it was interesting to go back and forth for so many rounds.
Um, hello. EXCUSE ME. Are any of you still breathing, because this tween made me gasp so hard I thought I’d need to dig up my inhaler.
Some might argue that at age 12, Ananya didn’t mean to say it like that. Nah. As she demonstrated handily, homegirl knows her way around some words. She didn’t say “difficult” or “challenging” or even “exciting.” Nope, she said it was interesting. Like, Oh yeah, it was a cute effort on his part. Kept me somewhat engaged. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go drink Capri Sun out of my giant trophy.
Rohan, if you’re reading this, you did an incredible job. I honestly cannot spell for shit, and I actually get paid money to write, which is truly wild. But also, that young woman shaded the hell out of you.