Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we find ourselves slightly disappointed by the tabloids because last week’s were so much fun, but sort of happy to see surprising names like “Audrey Faith Perry Hill” on the cover of Star.
This week, Audrey Faith Perry Hill and Tim Chip Hooper McGraw (I made that last one up) are getting divorced, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are getting divorced, Tom is getting tired of not seeing Suri, and Duchess Kate has another bundle of privilege growing inside her.
Tim & Faith
So the first strange thing about this item, beyond the fact that it’s Star’s lead story for the week, is that Faith Hill’s full name is Audrey Faith Perry Hill. Some of you may know this, but I—a fan of nearly all her singles, but not a follower of her personal life—was shocked. What a perfect name for a country singer! Anyway, she’s been married to Tim McGraw, whose full name is probably just Tim McGraw, for 19 years (their 20th anniversary is in October) and their “trust and control issues” are leading them to divorce.
The issues reportedly stem from Hill’s need to “tightly control all their finances,” which I’m pretty sure is the norm in American families and not always framed as troubling. But that’s not all. No, she’s jealous of Tim’s “touchy-feely” behavior with women in his professional life—from Country Strong costar Gwyneth Paltrow to The Voice winner Cassadee Pope. (Who?)
Is this interesting? Not really. There’s nothing incredibly scandalous about Tim and Faith’s alleged breakup, but rather the typical story of a marriage that has run its course. A love that has evolved into something less passionate. Less fulfilling. If it ends, I will mourn for no more than a few seconds, and pray that they remain friends and find new lovers—hopefully ones worthy of a better issue of Star than this one.
Kim & Kanye
In this EXCLUSIVE report, sources tell In Touch that Kim and Kanye only interact with each other when their children, Saint and North, are involved. The marriage, insiders say, “was a sham from the start,” and meant to turn them both into “the next Beyonce and Jay Z.” (Did it work? Unclear.) And now, because Kanye now has two children with his “prize,” he wants out. A source says “Kanye not only wants to end the marriage, but he plans on going for custody of their two children.” He then wants to raise them in Paris, “where he has a home, for half of the year.”
To be clear, I don’t believe any of those rumors and think Kanye and Kim are actually in love. (Call me crazy.) But! I do love this little nugget about how “they haven’t even lived together since they married” because it sort of makes sense, given their personalities? Kanye recorded TLOP and prepared for Yeezy S2 for what felt like three decades, and Kim has been so busy with her apps/pregnancy/show/losing & finding marble that I wouldn’t be surprised if they lived completely separate daily lives. In a sort of pseudo-Underwoodian way, they have sex only when wanting to procreate, and see each other only when taking care of the children. Running their family like they run their businesses does not seem all that far-fetched.
Tom & Suri
Ahhh, the old bait and switch. This story is less about Tom’s desire to see his daughter Suri, and more about how scared he is of Ron Miscavige’s upcoming Scientology tell-all, Ruthless. A source “close” to Cruise says he’s “freaking out” about the book’s “close look at [Ron’s son David Miscavige] and the oddball religion he’s run since taking over from its creator, L. Ron Hubbard.”
In the book, insiders claim Ron “will almost certainly touch on Tom’s unorthodox, hands-off parenting style,” which could include detailing “auditing sessions Tom subjected [his older kids] Isabella and Connor to, as well as any manual labor they endured as part of church ritual.”
Oh, it also might ask where the hell Shelly Miscavige is.
Duchess Kate & Who the Hell Cares
Life & Style has “exclusively learned that just 11 months after welcoming her baby girl, [Duchess Kate] is expecting her third child.” The magazine goes on to say that Kate has only told “her immediate family,” who then decided, “You know who needs this information? Life & Style, exclusively.” Kate and William had apparently wanted to wait before having a third, but honestly what else do they have to do besides waving, feeding the children, and having boring sex?
The story has some strange assertions, one being that Kate and William canceled a trip to Rio de Janeiro because she’s afraid of contracting Zika. A doctor allegedly told Kate “to take zero risks,” which shouldn’t be all that difficult for her. **Dumps biscuit in tea before sipping**
No Offense But There’s No Way This Is True: Peta Murgatroyd Edition
And Also:
- Dakota Johnson hates her stepdad, Antonio Banderas, because he started dating someone 20 years younger than he is.
- Jessica Biel’s restaurant, Au Fudge, has “tanked.” Oh, fudge.
- There’s a very good photo of Kate Winslet on the set of some movie holding an enormous bunch of kale. I won’t scan it. Just imagine it.
- Wait, Lorde is fucking Nick Jonas?
- Elton John’s husband is having unprotected sex with other men.
- Lamar fell off the wagon and it’s all Khloe’s fault.
- The no-longer-teen moms from Teen Mom keep finding ways to stay in the tabloids, and I don’t feel like sharing them.
- Ben Affleck and Henry Cavill “hate” each other.
- Wait never mind, Ben Affleck and Henry Cavill are actually friends now.
- Bindi Irwin is eloping with some wakeboarder.
- Ellen DeGeneres is taking it upon herself to “save” Justin Bieber “before he implodes.”
- “Experts” claim the Duggars are “absolutely doomed” now that no one wants to advertise on their show anymore.
- Selena Gomez and Kourtney Kardashian are at “war” over Justin Bieber, which may be why Ellen is trying to save him.
- Beyonce is dumping Jay Z.
- You MUST wear bold, bright bags this season.
- You MUST wear dresses over pants this season.