Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Callie Beusman visits ye olde newsstande and buys the latest issues of Ok, In Touch, Life & Style, Star and Us so that together we may attempt to find love in a homeless place. This week: Kimye's marriage is fake; Jayoncé's marriage is fraught; Gwyneth's new boo is technically married to his old boo.
Ok!
DRAMATIC DELIVERY
Mila Kunis has not yet given birth, but she and Ashton are "consumed with panic!" because she had a bout of cramping and rushed to the hospital. It's unclear why "pregnant and panicking" — a phrase used inside — was not the coverline. Other words in this story include "paralyzed by fear" and "source of anxiety" and "bundle of nerves" and "on edge" and "break down because of all the stress." You get the picture. Thesauri are cool. Also inside: Blake Lively asked Gwyneth Paltrow if she could bounce some ideas off of her for her new website, Preserve, and Goop was like no you fucking copycat ripoff. (Paraphrasing.) Seal has banned his daughters from modeling after finding out Heidi Klum was shopping around for agents. The Selena Gomez and Cara Delevingne are-maybe-lesbianing-together item includes the words "sometimes friendship turns to love when you least expect it," and insinuates that they are lovaaaahs now. Finally, a Kardashian story called "Kris Dumped By Her Daughters!" claims: "her kids have all been ignoring her for weeks." The first wise decision they've ever made?
Grade: F (sex on a dirty-diaper-filled garbage dump)
Life & Style
I CAN'T LIVE WITH A CHEATER
Beyoncé and Jay Z are having marriage problems. Thus, Life & Style has graciously summarized a lot of gossip and hearsay that you all already read on the Internet two weeks ago: Jay cheats! Bey looked at apartments alone! Divorce is imminent! (Beyoncé cannot live with a cheater because she would like to be a strong role model for Blue Ivy, says a source). Moving on: like a cartoon villain bested by a mischievous and youthful ne'er-do-well, Orlando Bloom is shaking his fist at the horizon and plotting to get Justin Bieber next time. Once he gets that little imp away from his body guards, he will punch him for real, pledges Orlando. Best of luck, man. In other news, Bachlorette Andi and her new friend Josh have not yet implanted a fertilized egg in her uterus, which is... troubling? I guess? They met like a month ago. So. Elsewhere in the mag, Kim Kardashian is "practically homeless" because she put one big-ass mansion on the market and is currently living in another one that belongs to her mom. THE STRUGGLE IS REAL, as evidenced by Fig. 1 (Kim crying in her car). Apparently, her mom is getting sick of "her freeloading" (she doesn't help with any of the bills! Come on, Kim!). Much drama. Finally, Sofia Vergara is thinking of unfreezing her eggs to mix 'em up with Joe Manganiello's man-juice and create a very handsome baby. 60% of Life & Style readers think they are moving "too fast" as a result of this extremely dubious rumor.
Grade: D (making out in beef slaughterhouse)
InTouch
EXPOSED!
Kim and Kanye's marriage is nothing more than a business deal, as evidenced by this very familiar photo of Kim crying because she's crumbling under the weight of living a lie (Fig. 2.) — an image we were PREVIOUSLY told was related to her practical homelessness (see Fig. 1). The main points of this shocking investigation: the Kimye marriage is a sham; Kim is just in it for the money; although her rep denies rumors that Kim and Kanye haven't slept together in weeks, um, a "source" says they totally haven't; Kim isn't even a good mom ("It's not that she doesn't love North; she just loves herself more."). Oooookay. In other news, Kristen Stewart stole Jennifer Lawrence's man, Nicholas Hoult (according to the magazine, she both "got her hooks" and "sunk her fangs" into the helpless fellow, who seemingly had no choice in the matter). We know that they are dating because they are starring in a movie together and got sushi on at least one occasion. Also, the magazine alleges that Jennifer "was smothering him and frankly driving him right into Kristen's arms." In this fictional universe, men are passive agents who are driven into the sex-hooks of infidelity by neediness. Elsewhere in the magazine, Bachlorette winner Josh cannot trust Andi because she sexed some other dude in the sex room. Uh-oh!!!!! Also, Ramona Singer from the Real Housewives of New York City kicked her husband out; he cheated on her, it seems; Kendra Wilkinson has met with lawyers and will probably divorce Hank Baskett, who cheated on her with a model. K.
Grade: D- (fellatio in foul gas station bathroom)
Us
RAISING MY PRINCESS
This "Kim Exclusive" is mostly comprised of pix from Instagram and fanfiction about how expensive Baby North's possessions are. There is no exclusive information in here. We do learn that the baby is "very musical," that she's "already developed a signature style" and that her earrings are half-carat diamonds. Also, she likes playing in a plastic kiddie pool. Lots of mysteries going on in that infant-head. In other news, Jay Z and Beyoncé are "avoiding each other," which must be difficult because they're currently on tour together and married with a child. A source says that they're staying in separate hotel rooms. INTRIGUE. Elsewhere in the mag, Us Weekly has printed the most beautiful piece ever penned about the Bieber-Bloom Bloodfeud. Some sample sentences: "the 'Boyfriend' singer [was] doing shots of Jagermeister and throwing bread rolls with his entourage"; "While DiCaprio calmly puffed on an e-cig, some bystanders clapped"; and, the crown jewel of this article: "If Bieber and Bloom were the boxers, then DiCaprio served as referee." Brings a tear to one's eye. Moving on, Jennifer Lawrence and Nicholas Hoult split amicably, because long-distance was not working for them, and Nicholas Hoult is not romantically involved with Kristen Stewart. No sex-hooks in this account of the break-up :( The rest of the issue is devoted to "Celebrity Moms," none of whom I've ever heard of, answering questions such as, "What's In My Diaper Bag?" and "How is it having teens?" Wish the Bieber-Bloom article had been 15 pages longer.
Grade: C (getting felt up at the fish market)
Star
HOMEWRECKER!
Gwyneth Paltrow spent the weekend of July 25 at the Amanngiri resort in Utah with Brad Falchuck, who is the co-creator and executive producer of Glee. According to the mag, these two first started a relationship when she was a guest star on the show, and it moved from friendship to something more even though both were married. His wife, Suzanne Buknik, a producer on According to Jim, filed for divorce (after 2 kids and 10 years of marriage) in March 2013, but the divorce has yet to be finalized; Goop's "conscious uncoupling" (after 2 kids and 10 years of marriage) happened in March of this year. Anyway! A Utah eyewitness says Gwynnie and Brad were spotted having dinner one night, and then another day they were seen lying next to each other, sunbathing by their private pool, and she was topless. It's unclear how she is the homewrecker, if there are two people in the relationship and if they are both separated from their spouses, but hey, you know. Tabloids. Also inside: Mischa Barton is $100k behind on her mortgage, since things haven't been very flush for her since The O.C., and she faces foreclosure. Maybe she'll move to Chino? Moving on, Kris Jenner's cookbook is "counterfeit" because she only really ever makes grilled cheese and "everyone who really knows Kris knows the cookbook is a huge joke." In other fakers news, Kim Zolciak digitally slimmed her waist — causing the windows behind her to curve all wonkily — in a bikini pic she posted on Instagram. And the house LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian "live" in on their VH1 reality show is not actually their house, it's a prop-house. A set. In uh-oh news, Emma Roberts and Evan Peters had an "explosive fight" at a Comic-Con party, where she "flew into a rage" and "pushed his chest." As you may recall, she was arrested last year for physically attacking him, leaving a bloody nose and bite marks. A "friend" who has a knack for stating the obvious says: "Their relationship isn't healthy." More relationship news: "Miley's Shocking Threesome" is about how Ms. Cyrus has sleepovers with Flaming Lips frontman Wayne Coyne and his girlfriend Katy Weaver, where they "bond over music and drugs" and Miley "worships him like a cult leader." Ah, youth. Bachelorette Andi and her fiancé Josh were shopping in NYC when she accused him of checking out some chick and "went ballistic." Meanwhile! Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling are in therapy because they're excited and terrified about the bun-in-the-oven sitch. The best story in this issue has got to be the one about how the actress (who was in a zillion random 80s/90s movies) Rae Dawn Chong discovered Chris Pratt: He was waiting tables in Hawaii and saw her and introduced himself as an aspiring actor; she was directing a film in LA and coincidentally needed a "hunk." The nailed an audition, so she flew him to California, he appeared in Cursed Part 3, and the rest is history. Finally, in this thing looks like that thing: Star's Bieber-Bloom chart seems familiar. (Fig. 3)
Grade: C+ (sex in the alley behind a biohazard waste disposal facility)
Addendum
Fig. 1 and Fig. 2
Fig. 3