Spring is here, my friends, and just as nature’s seeds are blooming, so is the wokeness of a select group of men who just get it, ya know?
Let’s meet the Wokest Baes of April.
Wilmer Valderrama
Here he is speaking to the Huffington Post about this year’s presidential election:
“Right now the priority is to get as many people as possible to register to vote so that the polls and the statistics and the numbers and the demos go up in percentage, so that we’re able to have a comprehensive decision on who’s going to represent us. To me, that is urgent and it’s critical.”
The former “That ‘70s Show” star has long been an advocate for mobilizing Latino voters, in the past he’s starred in quirky voter registration PSAs for Voto Latino alongside Demi Lovato and Rosario Dawson.
Bae Factor
I’ll admit that I’ve held a grudge against this dude for some time now, due to his completely implausible and kinda skeevy dating history. However, he seems to have grown up: he’s been with Demetria for six years now. (Although she’ll be just 24 years old in August, so you do the math.) That, coupled with the fact that he’s been pretty charming on his recent episodes of Grey’s Anatomy, is enough to make me indifferent. I’ll let this stand.
Woke Factor: All legitimate points, Mr. Wilmer. Look at you, diving into this election with some real talk! I also appreciate his efforts to register Latino voters because I spend a lot of time dreaming about an election that will finally turn Texas into a blue state.
Wiz Khalifa
Bae Factor
Hm. While I love a neck tattoo on my friend Jane, this doesn’t exactly work for me. He does have a nice face under there, and beautifully clear skin, but his styling is really not giving me much to work with. However, he’s a sweet father, and it is the spirit of this column to reward a man for rather basic goodness. Amber Rose seems to have forgiven him, so I suppose I will as well.
Woke Factor: At first glance, there is one obvious oversight in Wiz’s tweet: a person can be both black and a woman and a lot of people have an issue with that specific combination.
However, depending on how you take his wording, he is saying something true and good. Since we’re talking the hoopla around putting any woman on our currency, his distinction between the backlash over a black woman of course makes sense. It’s also a rather astute observation from a man who has a song called “Ass Drop.” Way to rep for our girl Harriet, Wiz!
Kevin Bacon
Bae Factor
Remember Footloose?
Woke Factor: Kevin Bacon participated in our democracy.
This Mattress
From the New York Post:
The Smarttress — made in Spain, which, as its hilariously dramatic promo video informs us, is the cheating capital of the world — pings your smartphone whenever your bed is in use. Moreover, vibration sensors in the bedsprings can pick up the duration of said usage, the intensity and the “impact per minute” — the better to determine whether your bed is being used for an innocent nap or a bawdy romp in the hay.
Bae Factor
I mean, I think that’s a pretty good-looking mattress.
Woke Factor: I feel confident in saying that this is the wokest collection of springs and fluffy stuff on the market. That mattress is on, 24/7, in case your very unwoke bae is banging someone else while you’re away.
Still, your unwoke bae would actually have to be dumb and perhaps comatose if you brought this thing home and they still cheated on you while knowing full and well you’re gonna get analytics on the movement and temperature of the mattress while the infidelity is occurring.
But how ironic that a vehicle for sleep is potentially the most woke thing in your bedroom.
Fumbles In Wokeness or Baemanship
Leonardo DiCaprio
Speaking at the United Nations about climate change, the Oscar winner (feels funny to say that still) invoked an Abraham Lincoln quote about slavery to make a point about the importance of climate change.
“[Lincoln] was speaking before the U.S. Congress to confront the defining issue of his time: slavery,” DiCaprio said. “Remarkably, his words ring as true today when applied to the defining crisis of our time: climate change.”
First of all, my man, let’s be clear: Lincoln didn’t really give a shit about the well-being of black people. I love Abe; I’m glad he freed my people. But he was not an abolitionist—he did not consider black people and white people to be equal. The Emancipation Proclamation was essentially a military tactic.
Leonardo DiCaprio clearly missed a very valuable lesson that prevents a white person from looking like a jackass: Don’t compare shit to slavery. Just don’t do it.
It’s simple. Unless you are talking about the institution of slavery, do not compare something that is not slavery to slavery. Don’t even compare slavery in other countries to slavery in America because that was some unique-ass bullshit that they pulled over here. Just don’t.
I understand that he wasn’t necessarily making a one-to-one comparison about the two issues, but even alluding to slavery in this context is not a great look.
This slavery shoutout, much like every Victoria’s Secret model across the globe, didn’t necessarily need to be done by Leo.
Sleeping Baes
Tyrese Gibson
This fool.
Tyrese is not a bright man so I’m actually surprised it took him this long to make an appearance. Let’s just say that a straight man who once referred to himself as a lesbian better tuck himself in for a very long hibernation.
Images via Getty. GIF via Bobby Finger.