TikTok, the absolute time-waster and video app for children/intellectually stunted adults like myself, is set to be restricted in the U.S., according to executive orders signed by President Trump. Beginning Sunday, the app will no longer appear on any app store. Users who have already downloaded TikTok and the app WeChat can continue using them, but updated versions won’t be able to be downloaded, with further restrictions possibly to come, CNN reports.
What does this mean? It’s hard to say, and the exact future of TikTok accessibility, as it exists right now in America, is up in the air. But one thing is for sure: you better watch these TikToks before something drastic happens. TikTok has brought Jezebel so much joy and so much terror, and the possibility that we could lose such a glorious and chaotic app strikes fear in all our hearts– considering 80 percent of my Slack conversations on any given day are about what bizarre posts I’ve come across in my feed.
And so Jezebel presents: the absolute best TikToks to play before the app perishes forever (if it perishes forever) in the completely unbiased opinion of my colleagues.
Hazel Cills
They should just play this Crucible TikTok in school instead of making kids read the book.
Ashley Reese
It was so cringe that even the guy who made it deleted it from his TikTok. Enough said.
Megan Reynolds
For me, TikTok is a fun thing to stare at on my phone when I’m high as hell, a means of erasing my brain until it is merely a Fluffernutter sandwich. These Toks embrace the spirit of Vine, an app whose loss I feel on a daily basis, and also make me laugh so fucking hard that I startle the cat. The first, perverted in a way that I love; what’s not to enjoy about an eggplant with a big ol’ dick? The second is incredible. And the third... if ever I am feeling sad, I watch this fucking dinghy do a Busta Rhymes lyric and laugh until I have to pee. What else could you want!
Molly Osberg
This is the only TikTok I’ve ever seen but I love it, R.I.P.
Ashley Reese
This is who I aspire to be when I get old: horny for random famous men on main without it being creepy.
Rich Juzwiak
I love this TikTok of a child alleging that Chasten Buttigieg made a rude face at her in the Montessori that she attended and he taught at. I believe it entirely, but I’m not sure whom it reflects worse on. On one hand, I don’t mind when people are rude to kids and, in fact, I think it should maybe happen more often. On the other, she’s still thinking about this years later. In any event, when reached for comment through Atria books, which published Buttigieg’s memoir, we heard nothing back.
Ashley Reese
I feel this deeply, as a Black emo, but also worry that his dad is going to chuck him out the window one day.
Kelly Faircloth
This one, I’m sorry to say, I saved in my camera roll because it is really soothing.
Jennifer Perry
My cousin began sending me these Tik Toks a few months ago because they capture the unnecessary drama and anxiety I crave in my relationship.
Joan Summers
I too am only really living to see how far they take the sexy M&M schtick, because there isn’t really much else to live for. Without TikTok, we lose a generation of prophets, seers, visionaries, and pioneers, who cut through the noise and strike right at the heart of what it even means to be a human at all. RIP!
Shannon Melero
I tried to do this and didn’t make it beyond “now from the top” but Linda May gives me hope that I’ll get there someday.