I think it was Tolstoy who wrote, "Happy families are all alike, but Kardashians are all different kinds of bacterial strains of fame-grubber." Here is their Christmas card, which features dearly departed Persian kitten Mercy (RIP) sitting unhappily in something that looks like it came from Ikea and is maybe called a glørgle. Honestly, all this white makes me think that their next endeavor is to hawk menstrual products. And any real lady knows that nothing says "Christmas" like the continued freshness of her KardashiJennerGina. [KimKardashian.com, E!]
As it turns out, Lindsay Lohan's coming-of-age arc really is similar to Cady Heron's (but with slightly more Vodka Red Bulls and no Ms. Norburys in sight): she's stopped texting back some old party friends. A source says, "She is realizing there are people in her life who are bad influences, who think it's funny when she wants to fill water bottles with alcohol and go out, or stay out all night at nightclubs in New York and look sloppy in photos. These aren't her real friends." Lohan's also apparently cultivating a friendship with a "spiritual guru" who is hopefully not Charlie Sheen in a muu muu and a Ricky's wig. [NYDN]
Michael Douglas' 34-year-old son Cameron was reportedly beaten in prison after a New York crime boss put a bounty on his head during prison-flag football leave season for being a "rat." The younger Douglas blamed his broken femur on a handball game. He's serving a 10-year sentence for dealing crystal meth (and 4 and 1/2 years of that was tacked on after he had drugs smuggled into the prison). [NY Post]
Drew Barrymore officially goes down in the annals of Awesome Women Who Give Zero Fucks, Where Is My Food:
"My new motto is ‘Impossible expectations are impossible.' Look, with my luck I will starve myself, work out and then the next day get hit by a bus – and think, ‘Why did I waste my time doing that?' I think I gained an extra five pounds the last week because I was so late and like, ‘Forget it! All bets are off. I'll have two cheeseburgers.' I'm the last person anyone should look to for workout tips. I don't have them. I don't care."
[Express]
The series finale of Gossip Girl was last night. I KNOW WHO GOSSIP GIRL IS. Do you?
- Ke$ha's single "Die Young" has seen a massive decrease in airplay since the Connecticut shooting. [TMZ]
- The E! network might be offering Pauly D more money than MTV is for a reality show, for some unfathomable fucking reason? [TMZ]
- The words "Honey Boo-Boo" and "hillbilly porn" appeared in my email inbox again. [TMZ]
- Alicia Keys is being sued by a LA singer and songwriter who claims Keys' "Girl On Fire" has a 2-minute uncredited sample from his 1962 song "Lonely Boy." [Rolling Stone]
- Russell Brand might be dating Aussie MTV VJ Kate Peck. [The Sun]
- Paul McCartney and Bianca Jagger ignored each other at the Beatrice Inn. Also important: Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson "dropping off" their son, "rapper" Chet Haze, to shoot a music video. Chet Haze is twenty-two years old. [Page Six]
- AWESOME: Martin Scorsese is making a documentary on Bill Clinton for HBO. [NY Post]
- Taylor Swift is reportedly spending over $100,000 on Beatles memorabilia for Harry Styles' Christmas present. [Female First]
- Kelsey and Camille Grammer have finally reached a divorce settlement. [Gather Celebs]
- Anne Hathaway's a Posh Spice fan. [Express]
- Among the items you could have bought at The Hollywood Auction if you had all of the money: Kate Winslet's dark red beaded dress from Titanic, Orlando Bloom's bow from Lord of the Rings. [THR]
- But it's not too late to buy one of Kristen Stewart's ubiquitous sheer dresses (this one!) which she's auctioning off for Hurricane Sandy relief. [Celebrity-Gossip]
- Katie Holmes and Suri made cupcakes. [E!]
- Not to be outdone, Tom Cruise bought Suri a $13.5 million house. [Contact Music]
- Kim Basinger and Ireland Baldwin went to Hawaii on vacation, and not Ireland, counterintuitively. [Us Weekly]
- FUUUU, Selma Blair's weight is estimated to be about 80 pounds and she doesn't look well. :( [Radar Online]
- Christopher Cheney, who last year hacked into Scarlett Johanssen, Mila Kunis, Christina Aguilera, Vanessa Hudgens and others' phone accounts, was sentenced to 10 years in prison. [Us Weekly]
- You've heard these words arranged this way before, but here they are again: Jennifer Aniston Baby Bump. [x17]
- GUYS, Shaquille O'Neal is launching a vodka brand called Luv Shaq. [Page Six]
- And a tiny puppy in a baby's sock for no good reason. :DDDD [People]