Are we going to make it, guys? Seriously, I mean, are we going to get to the end of 2016 as whole beings? I have my doubts! I would love for this week’s Shade Court to be a place of refuge for the weary but I’m afraid we are not safe from the sinkhole of stupidity our world is rapidly descending into.
In this week’s Shade Court, we;ve got rappers against rappers, Colin Powell is over it and Teen Vogue needs some help.
Shade Court Docket #2016JZ000176
The Case: Rapping dude-man Kid Cudi was feeling bold on Wednesday morning and went on a Twitter escapade about rappers and the music industry and fakeness and haters and whatever else came to mind. Specifically, he mentioned both Kanye West and Drake as targets of his rant.
The Defendant: Bro Bible
The Evidence:
The Deliberation: Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade. Threw Hard Shade.
The Ruling: Not shade
Shade Court Docket #2016JZ000177
The Case: Because the world is never not terrifying, hackers were able to access and release emails from Colin Powell’s private account. In those emails, we learned that Colin Powell likes to talk a lot of shit. In private, he had some biting words for Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump and the ol’ devil incarnate, Dick Cheney himself. Basically, we learned that Powell ain’t here for the bullshit.
The Defendant: Elle magazine
The Evidence:
In order for you to fully grasp the true weight of what is happening here, I’ve pulled some choice passages from the article:
Boris and Natasha, back at it again, hacked a bunch of the former Secretary of State’s private e-mails and, it turns out, the 79-year-old retired general is shadier than the forest floor in Ferngully.
Honey, Powell needs to change his name to LeVar Burton because he is reading the rainbow.
The steadfast military man has been a media presence since the Gulf War but y’all didn’t know he was the Secretary of Shade and Chair of the Joint Chiefs of Sass.
Black elders deliver shade like you ordered it on Amazon Prime. They’ll send you a read by a drone.
The Deliberation: Constituents, am I not kind and merciful? Do I not labor each week for the justice and transparency? Is the work I’m trying to do here not good work? If so, WHY ON EARTH MUST THEY KEEP DOING ME LIKE THIS?
It’s difficult to even know where to begin with this one. Perhaps the most egregious crime committed against the sanctity of shade is this constant conflation of reading and shading.
Ms. Corey took time out of her precious life to explain in plain-ass English what shade is. As you’ll see below, she pretty much draws a map for us in crayon. Shade comes from reading, yes, but they are not the same.
Colin Powell was indeed reading his former colleagues for the harbingers of evil they are, but there was not an ounce of shade in his game.
Another thing to remember is that his barbs came in private emails. There is an ideological debate to be had about whether a read is truly a read if the other person isn’t present. For now, the most important takeaway here is: saying a bunch of rude and true shit in private emails isn’t shade.
My only hope—for the sake of Elle’s decency and sanity—is that this piece was supposed to be a satirical blog poking fun at the increasingly absurd butchering of slang by the American media at the expense of actual humor and self-awareness.
Finally, while I may serve my nation differently than Colin Powell, I’d like to give him a hearty salute. If there’s anyone who deserves to let off some steam in a few rude emails it’s him. This man had to regularly sit in the Oval Office and explain basic shit to George W. Bush while doing what he could to prevent Dick Cheney grasping away the entire power of the office. Colin Powell has served his country long and well and he’s earned the right to say whatever the hell he wants. And he deserves to not have it mislabeled as shade.
The Ruling: Not shade
Shade Court Docket #2016JZ000178
The Case: Michelle Obama and Stephen Curry appeared on Ellen because we Americans need to be reminded to drink water so we don’t collectively destroy our kidneys. During the interview, Curry talks about playing golf with the President—specifically Obama’s trash talking skills. To help Stephen out, Michelle offers some one-liners for him to use against Barack on the golf course.
The Defendant: Ellen
The Evidence:
The Deliberation: Can we take a minute to reflect on how unbelievably FOINE our first lady is? She is the light of our country and is completely over all the utter trash-ass behavior she has had to endure from Republicans and bigots and she is going to twirl twirl twirl all over the haters until the day she leaves that big white mansion.
Anyway, what I find most confusing about the world’s inability to use shade properly is how there’s almost always another, more accurate word readily available. Michelle Obama literally says she’s offering suggestions for trash talking. The whole conversation is about the talking of trash. Why do you need to get shade involved when things have already been laid out for you?
Relatedly, I love when Michelle pokes fun at Barack because it’s obviously good-natured and I love the undercurrent of it all which is that she is the real catch in this scenario. Yeah, sure, Barack is the President and all and has the nuclear codes, but he’s also a lanky nerd who is lucky to have lived up to her expectations. Also, they love each other dearly.
The Ruling: Not shade
Shade Court Docket #2016JZ000179
The Case: You don’t need to know anything about Hailey Baldwin aside from that she used to awkwardly sit in hotel rooms while Justin Bieber was being interviewed by Caity Weaver.
At some point, the spark extinguished and in the ultimate move of betrayal, Justin unfollowed her on Instagram. It would make sense, then, that there was no better place for Hailey to get in the last word than through the same fateful application.
The Defendant: Teen Vogue
The Evidence:
The Deliberation: I suppose I can give Teen Vogue some props for knowing what they don’t know and not doubling down on calling this shade.
The issue here is that Justin unfollowed Hailey back in the middle of August. To post a response now—a full month later—is a bit odd and wouldn’t help her to get her point across. Additionally, the phrase, “forget about it” is a tad vague. Had it been “forgot about you,” or something more pointed, I could probably see the shade.
Still, I appreciate Teen Vogue’s caution here but next time they can just @ me if they have a shade question.
The Ruling: Not shade
Because of this week’s very sad showing, I’ll leave you with some shade recently thrown at me by none other than my own grandmother.
During a visit home, my dad decided to cook up an enormous piece of fresh wild salmon for the family to enjoy. Seeing as how it was after 4:00 pm, my dad and I pour ourselves a couple glasses of wine with which to enjoy our meal and life. When my dad goes to offer my grandmother some wine, she gives us a look and says something to the effect of: “No, it’s just you and your daughter drinking tonight.”
Hm.
As we sat down to dinner, my grandmother brings out a carton of juice and begins pouring into the classes of those at the table who aren’t drinking wine—everyone but me and my dad. As she fills their glasses, she turns to me says: “This is our kind of wine.”
Ok, Grandma, I get it. And thank you for moments like this, which were surely an integral part of making me the judge I am today.