After the entire world shared a tortured, sleepless night, unsure what Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's wedding smelled like and what color their children's suits were, details have finally come out in this probably-fabricated account, as told to E! News. E! News' anonymous source is my new favorite author.
According to the source, there were only 22 people in attendance, and the wedding took place at Chateau Miraval. One of them, the source, is an illustrious wordsmith. According to hir, Angelina was "given away" by Maddox; Pax and Knox helped with the rings; Shiloh and Vivienne threw baskets of rose petals around. Angelina wore a dress that was "very traditional, but very Angie," by which s/he means that it was floor-length and had some lace on it. The children wore cream linen suits and/or custom dresses.
BUT HERE ARE THE BEST DETAILS:
- "The chapel smelt of rosemary and jasmine from the bushes outside the window and the sun streamed in the tint-stained glass windows." TINT-STAINED. TINT-STAINED!!!!!!!!!!!!
- "She had a veil but Brad lifted it and gasped because she looked so stunning."
- "Brad and Angie said handwritten vows telling each other how much they love each other and their beautiful family and they both had tears in their eyes as did everyone else." I feel like I'm THERE.
- "There were three different types of cakes."
May their tint-stained love live on evermore.
(A rep confirms that the wedding took place at Chateau Miraval and that it was a "family affair." The rep says that Maddox and Pax gave Angie away, whereas Zaharah and Vivienne threw the petals — sorry, wedding-poet, WRONG INFO ABOUT THE CHILDREN'S PARTICIPATION IN THE CEREMONY. No word on whether the wedding truly smelt of rosemary and jasmine.) [E!]
"Jennifer Aniston Picks Weird Time to Look Pregnant" was a real headline somewhere :( :( :( It is marked as a "CRUCIAL UPDATE" with emojis replace some of the letters in "CRUCIAL UPDATE." It is not a crucial update at all.
Goodnight, world. [Radar]
In a statement, Melissa Rivers said that Joan Rivers is "resting comfortably" following her hospitalization yesterday. She didn't elaborate on her mother's condition, saying "We ask that you keep her in your thoughts and prayers" and thanking everyone for the "overwhelming love and support for my mother." [Star Tribune]
- What is Rihanna up to these days, you are probably wondering. I will tell you: looking at an $18 million apartment, sitting on a yacht, wearing a crochet skirt as a dress. In short: the American dream. [ONTD]
- Vin Diesel wants you to plant a tree for Groot. [ONTD]
- Here is Miley Cyrus in a furry leotard sitting atop a pile of teddy bears for fashion. [ONTD]
- Shakira is pregnant with her second child. [Billboard]
- Mary-Kate Olsen perched atop a horse and the horse ran around. It was sporty. [Just Jared]
- Liam Hemsworth flaunted his beard. [Just Jared]
- Kate Mara and Lena Dunham made peace signs whilst on a boat. [Just Jared]
- Britney Spears wrote a really nice letter to a fan who told her that her music helped him come out, and she used the exact font one would expect Britney Spears to use. [MTV]
- HAPPY FRIDAY: HERE IS AN ENYA REMIX OF IN ME MUM'S CAR. [YouTube]