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Probably, No, and 'Rubbery Dog Bones'

By
Bobby Finger
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This Friday afternoon I have been chilled to the bone not only by New York City’s brutal cold snap, but by three questions posed to readers of Us Weekly in the span of five short hours.

The American Media-owned publication, known for its detailed lists of celebrity minutia and exclusive reports on the ubiquity of poop, has suddenly become a fan of using questions in their headlines. Because I do not wish the anxiety I’ve felt as a result of their barrage of questions on any of you, I’m going to spoil the answers here and now.

Question:

Answer:

Probably.

While Isaac has not said the words, “I am married to Elvira Lind,” he referred to the director as his wife in a recent BuzzFeed video. The couple was also spotted wearing gold bands on their left ring fingers while on the Star Wars red carpet.

Question:

Answer:

No.

When discussing the recent birth of his daughter, Corden said:

“We still haven’t chosen a name for her yet. After the baby was born, I was crying, my wife was crying her eyes out, the baby’s crying, and the doctor asked about a name. I don’t know why I said it, but I looked at the doctor and said, ‘We’re going to call her ‘Beyoncé.’ My wife did not think that was funny.”

Question:

The Short Answer:

Far too much.

The Long Answer:

  • Poop bags
  • An ANAVIA bullet-shaped key chain
  • A black OtterBox case
  • Paleo Bars
  • Quest Bars
  • An affirmation card that says “I want to have kids”
  • Three home décor magazines.
  • Bose headphones
  • Orange earplugs
  • An InvisibleShield Glass+ Luxe in gold
  • House of Marley headphones
  • A mophie
  • A MacBook Air
  • A Dior Lip Maximizer in pink
  • A Covergirl LashBlast mascara in brown
  • An Urban Decay Brow Box in Honey Pot
  • A L’occitane hand cream
  • A Yonka Phyto Contour eye cream
  • A SK-II Facial Treatment Mask
  • A Platinum American Express card
  • A Capital One card
  • A AAA card
  • A Costco card
  • A Starbucks gold card
  • A Starbucks gift card
  • A Global Entry card
  • A folded up piece of paper with a note from her boyfriend
  • A Range Rover key with a Tile Key finder
  • A passport
  • 1 Above Fly Well
  • A Sovereign Silver Bio-Active spray
  • A Synthroid
  • Good Hair Days plastic bobbi pins
  • A pink Graphic Image planner
  • Wet Ones
  • Benadryl
  • Advil
  • Visine eye drops
  • Sudafed
  • Tums
  • Nano hand sanitizer
  • A script for The Flash
  • Rubbery dog bones
  • Peanuts and almonds in a plastic bag

And now you know.