Hello, welcome to Shade Court, and no, I did not include Donald Trump’s Hitler-lite Time Magazine cover because I honestly believe I will disintegrate into a pile of material frustration if I have to write about that man today.
In this week’s Shade Court, Oprah is a great friend, Blac Chyna plays herself and the devil’s favorite website gets called out.
Shade Court Docket #2016JZ000220
The Case: Breitbart is an internet hate carnival run by the unwanted children of Satan and Medusa. They also lie.
It should come as no surprise that Breitbart doesn’t think global warming is real—something I can’t wait to remind them of when Idaho, Nevada and Arizona become the new west coast.
In a recent article about the “nonexistence” of global warming, Breitbart included a video produced by The Weather Channel to supposedly support their lies. The Weather Channel was having none of that.
The Defendant: The internet
The Evidence:
The Deliberation: Does no one remember my near-death experience last week?Must we continue to desecrate the holiness of shade like this?
Look, I understand the appeal. Shade is cool! It’s fun to say. It makes you seem hip wit it. People might even think you know a few black people or perhaps a Latino. But that is no excuse to dub what was an excellent clapback on the part of The Weather Channel as shade.
They literally @-ed Breitbart, called them liars and included a point by point breakdown of all the ways Breitbart’s reporting was incorrect. The only thing that could have made this more obvious and less like shade is if they called the site Breitfart. Come on, people.
The Ruling: Not shade
Shade Court Docket #2016JZ000221
The Case: Some fast facts:
Lebron James and Michael Jordan have a precarious man-relationship.
Hollywood has no new ideas and is making Space Jam 2.
Lebron James is starring in Space Jam 2.
A few months ago, when asked who he would have chosen to star in Space Jam 2, Jordan chose another professional basketball player named Blake Griffin.
With the 20th anniversary of the original Space Jam nigh, Michael Jordan is flexing those impeccably toned capitalist muscles of his and is releasing, under his Jordan shoe brand, a new Space Jam shoe complete with a commercial starring, you guessed it, the roster of the legendary 2002 WNBA World Champion Los Angeles Sparks!
Ok no, it stars Blake Griffin.
The Defendant: GQ
The Evidence:
The Deliberation: As GQ points out, we all know Michael Jordan is deeply petty—mantle of the Earth petty—which provides the essential groundwork for this potential shadiness.
There are many famous NBA players from which to choose—including, obviously, Lebron James. I can’t imagine how the selection of Blake Griffin could possibly be a coincidence. He is literally playing the role of Michael Jordan in this mini commercial remake of the film. He cracks a joke with Bugs Bunny, he’s wearing the Space Jam jersey, he leads the team against the Monstars—not a lot of ambiguity there!
At the same time, it would be easy to write this off as no big deal. Blake Griffin is famous, he plays basketball, he likes selling sneakers—shoulder shrug. Of course, that’s also why it’s so shady.
Relatedly, imagine being a multimillionaire whose name is literally synonymous with excellence and giving a shit about who stars in the remake of a children’s movie. I cannot! Though I suppose that’s why Michael Jordan is Michael Jordan and I am a humble public servant quietly gathering the crumbs of justice.
The Ruling: Shade
Shade Court Docket #2016JZ000222
The Case: The luckiest woman in the world, Oprah’s BFF Gayle King, is an anchor for CBS This Morning. As an anchor for CBS This Morning, she tends to wear clothing and accessories. On one particular morning, Gayle wore a rather, let’s say, extravagant necklace to deliver the morning news.
She later shared this delightful-ass anecdote about the necklace.
The Defendant: People Magazine, Jezebel
The Evidence:
The Deliberation: Eyebrows may be slightly elevated right now because, yes, I did take Jezebel to Shade Court. It is important to note, however, that while she wrote the original post, the luminous Kate Dries did not write the Facebook update in question and will not be held liable in court.
I just have to say, I love how Oprah noted she was on the treadmill because that is in no way even remotely relevant to the information she is trying to pass along. Anyway, that’s a pretty hilariously rude observation, Oprah! Not at all subtle and she leaves no room for interpretation. Oprah fucking hates your necklace, Gayle.
While the necklace is indeed too busy, Gayle and her hair looked poppin’ that day so, chin up, girl. I’m not sure my self-esteem is quite strong enough to endure harsh critiques from Oprah about my life choices on a regular basis but I would love to find out.
Also, my god, no this is not shade.
The Ruling: Not shade
Shade Court Docket #2016JZ000223
The Case: Blac Chyna did a sort of Snapchat PSA to give “these ladies” some advice about how best to thrive in 2017—the final year of the America’s existence.
The helpful advice included:
“These ladies with the straight-ass lace fronts... Yeah leave all them wigs in 2016.”
“All of you quote, unquote chefs… you already know what I’m about to say. Leave them nasty ass plates in 2016.”
“And girl, leave that broke ass nigga in 2016.”
The Defendant: Perez Hilton, Hollywood Life
The Evidence:
The Deliberation: I must say, it is rather comforting to know that even after all they’ve been through—the public fighting, the public makeup, Blac Chyna giving birth to a child that has the potential to make Kylie the aunt to her stepson’s half-sister—Blac Chyna and Kylie still can’t stand each other.
In the clips, Blac Chyna of course doesn’t mention Kylie by name but the allusions are rather obvious.
Straight-ass lace fronts....
Quote, unquote chefs...
Broke ass niggas...
I mean, duh.
The irony, however, is that in trying to play Kylie, Blac Chyna also played herself.
Straight-ass lace fronts...
Quote unquote chefs...
Broke ass niggas...
I have often been asked of one can shade his or herself and I believe this answers the question. It’s unclear if Blac Chyna has the self-awareness to see what she did here—my guess would be no. Perhaps she does understand and therein lies the joke. Or maybe she knew and simply didn’t care.
Is it worth shading yourself if you’re also able to shade the teen girlfriend of the father of your child? I hope to never find out.
The Ruling: Shade