I’m sure we all have a lot of family interaction, leftover pie-eating and donating to Standing Rock to do, so let’s get into it.
In this week’s Shade Court, Zayn is working my last nerve, Lindsay Lohan looks for attention and Rebecca Romijn channels supermodels past.
Shade Court Docket #2016JZ000213
The Case: An awards show that Beyoncé didn’t show up to took place on Sunday. Zayn Malik won a trophy. When he won said trophy, he did all this:
But, then, he stepped up onto the stage and just had to let out a zinger. As he looked at the shiny statue in his hand, Zayn opened with “Wow. This just has my name on it, right?”
Yes, that is a total dig right to his former band One Direction. And yes, it stings a lot.
Although, it might be Zayn himself that’s feeling the consequences of the joke the most, as it seems it fell totally flat. Either nobody in the audience caught the thinly-veiled reference to the split-up group or they didn’t think it was funny at all.
The Defendant: Refinery29, E!
The Evidence:
The Deliberation: Wow, you’re telling me that completely unfunny joke fell flat?
Haha, we get it! You want to double check that the award only has your name on it because even though you used to be in One Direction, you are no longer in One Direction and you make music on your own now so only your name should be etched onto the illustrious American Music Award. Relatedly, does Zayn do anything other than remind people he used to be in One Direction?
Further, I’m not sure how this could even be shade thrown at his former bandmates because according to the Wikipedia, One Direction has won seven American Music Awards. I feel like there’s a limit on the joy one could possibly attain from receiving an American Music Award. All that to say, I highly doubt anyone cares that Zayn won a solo American Music Award. Relax, dude and work on your jokes.
The Ruling: Not shade
Shade Court Docket #2016JZ000214
The Case: 2016 Lindsay Lohan was lounging on a wealthy person’s couch in some undisclosed European city when she opened her Instagram account to kill some time before the ribbon cutting ceremony at a new cosmetic laser center. As she scrolled through her feed, she came across a post by Ariana Grande on the set of Hairspray Live with a young woman who I assume is also in the show.
Sipping her routine 1:37pm vodka martini, Lohan giggled as she commented on the photo: “Too much makeup.”
The Defendant: Hollywood Life, Daily Mail
The Evidence:
The Deliberation: To be fair, Grande is wearing a ton of makeup, though if she’s on set, it could be stage makeup. However, 1) who cares and 2) who cares 3) who cares 4) nothing matters.
2016 Lindsay Lohan and her bootleg Madonna-goes-to-Pemberley accent is not in a position to be shading any damn body—which is perhaps why she didn’t. Lindsay wanted some attention and this was a surefire, low-energy way to get exactly what she wanted via a dumb comment on a random picture.
On a related note, what the hell is Hollywood Life thinking with that Regina George comparison? If I remember correctly—and I do remember correctly—Regina George straight-up burned people to their faces and then skipped away with a hair flip. Please let our legends rest peacefully in our memories instead of digging up their corpses to tack on inapplicable slang for no good reason.
The Ruling: Not shade
Shade Court Docket #2016JZ000215
The Case: President Barack Obama pardoned his last turkey this week and made a slew of very good dad jokes. That’s about it.
The Defendant: Huffington Post
The Evidence:
Watch this video, and see the leader of the free world throw some serious shade on some seriously funny fowl.
The Deliberation: I’m deeply confused as to how the neurons in this Huffington Post writer’s brain fired in such a way where they concluded that the President of the United States would shade a turkey while he is literally granting the turkey the opportunity to live its life.
I mean, do we really think he was laughing to himself thinking: HAHA SAVED YOUR LIFE YA DUMB MELEAGRIS GALLOPAVO! (That is the scientific name for a turkey. Barack Obama is smart so I assume he knows this.)
What I’m saying is, why would anyone shade a turkey? What would one gain from shading a fat bird that doesn’t understand English? Let me be clear: How is it possible that the above sentence from the Huffington Post is anything other than the result of an odd Barack Obama-themed madlibs game?
Could the answers to my very valid questions perhaps be that Barack Obama was quite obviously not shading that goddamn turkey because that would be stupid and would make absolutely no sense?
At moments like this I want to pull shade in close to my heart and squeeze it tight and do my best to protect from all the irresponsible goons out there trying to sully its good name. I just want to but shade in its own little BabyBjörn and keep it safe from this utterly ridiculous world and the seriously trying people who inhabit it.
The Ruling: Not shade
Shade Court Docket #2016JZ000216
The Case: Rebecca Romijn appeared on Watch What Happens Live recently where she was asked about the completely valid remarks she made in April about her irritation with social media stars becoming “supermodels.” Even though she never uttered the names Gigi Hadid and Kendall Jenner, they took offense— they may be slightly above-average models, but they know how to work a media cycle.
Gigi’s mom Yolanda, of the Real Housewives Yolandas, eventually chimed in because what the hell else is she doing? During Romijn’s WWHL appearance, she further explained the “feud.”
“I don’t even know why she got involved. I was like, ‘Oh, are we bringing our mommies in now? Should I get my mom?’” the supermodel told a WWHL caller (clip above). “I thought that it was really none of her business.”
She added, “When I was a kid, I loved Yolanda as a model,” she told Andy. “She used to be in my mom’s catalogues when I was growing up. I was totally aware of Yolanda. She was a great model.”
The Defendant: Bravo TV
The Evidence:
The Deliberation: What’s that you hear? Oh, just the sound of me suddenly becoming a Rebecca Romijn fan.
The beautiful touch here is how she almost threw shade at both Gigi and her mommy. “Should I get my mom,” if delivered correctly could have been an invisible dagger, thrown with the flip of the wrist as she fell perfectly into a death drop. While hilarious, the “are we bringing mommies in now” was a bit much.
But let’s get to the meat. When Rebecca cast her attention towards the former suffering Mrs. David Foster, she threw shade that would make Naomi proud.
She used to be in my mom’s catalogues when I was growing up.
She used to be in my mom’s catalogues when I was growing up.
She used to be in my mom’s catalogues when I was growing up.
Do you taste it? That delicate viscousness?
Let’s unpack. For starters, she goes for an old-age jab which is rude but effective. “When I was growing up” is clearly Rebecca’s way of establishing at least a generation between herself and Yolanda. My favorite part however, is how she called Yolanda a catalogue model. I’m guessing that’s not exactly how Yolanda would describe herself.
It’s so perfect because it sounds like she’s giving Yolanda a compliment but then there’s that sweet, sweet dog whistle in the exact key of Yolanda Hadid.
The Ruling: Shade