YES, WHERE WOULD SOCIETY BE WITHOUT THE BEAUTIFUL MAGICAL ART OF SHARON STONE. Read more

I’m sorry that your taste buds died in a fire or something and you’ll never be able to appreciate the glory of a taro chip. That is sad. If you let me know where to send a sympathy card for your sense of taste, I will gladly oblige. Donations to a preferred charity in lieu of flowers, I assume? Read more

Taro is delicious. Taro chips >>>>>>>>>>>> Potato chips. Which lake of fire should I go tell you to die for this shitty list? Read more

Ahhh, now that’s a good point, too. I was just curious b/c so many are ready to pounce on him for something that Bell does and gets hailed for. Read more

Actually he’s upset because a paparazzi got a photo of the baby today that made its way around various publications. I think this is interesting because when someone like a Kristen Bell makes a stand against paps shooting kids who didn’t consent to being in the public spotlight, she’s hailed as a hero. But when Ashton… Read more

I am 100 percent aware that Humbolt was joking. I liked the comment and replied with a joke. I thought her/his comment was genius, in fact. Read more

But I have to!!!! Do you think we can just have company sit on the bar stools??? OR GOD FORBID THE DINING ROOM CHAIRS? What if someone comes over and [SHUDDERS IN HORROR AT THE THOUGHT] has to drag a chair in from the patio???? That’s a fate worse than death!
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Well now I realize there is not, I guess? It's like a little person who looks like they are about to get neck-chopped by an off-screen Liam Neeson. That would probably be a better way to deal with shitty comments, come to think of it. Liam Neeson could just randomly show up in comments and go full Taken batshitcrazy…

I actually wrote the comment specifically hoping it would ruin your life. My work here is done. Read more

I want you to know that I dragged my hungover ass out of bed and logged into Jez on my laptop just so I could star the fuck out of this comment. I have never ever EVER read any comment that was filled with more truthiness than what you just laid out for FightingPolish. I read FP’s comment and laughed my ass off but… Read more

It wasn’t my first tattoo. Read more

No it’s like a dumb bird. I mean, I love because of everything I went through and shit. But it’s a dumb fucking bird. Read more

This was like, 20 years ago, man. We didn’t do pictures for every fucking thing that made us sad/happy/hungry/apoplectic. We did not document our breakups and/or meals at every step. Although now that I think about it, the photo of me at 20, clasping on to a shitty twine leash of a cat trying to hide in a giant piece… Read more

I took the fucking cat on the beach, with a makeshift leash (made out of twine) tied to his collar. Oh but not before I stopped two cops to ask “IS IT OK IF I TAKE MY CAT ON THE BEACH? I DON’T WANT TO BREAK ANY LAWS. ALSO, DO YOU THINK IT’S VERY LOUD DOWN THERE? I DON’T WANT TO SPOOK HIM.”

The look these dudes gave me,… Read more

Drove to Daytona Beach with a cat in my car and got a tattoo. I just don’t even know how to explain that shit. Read more

This will get me so much hate. But Mystery Men. And Kick-Ass. Read more

“Nancy, what the fuck are you talking about, please.” Read more

Napkin rings were a mandatory part of our dinner table settings in my home growing up. My mother had very specific rules for how to set a table before she served dinner. As for me LOL LOL "napkin rings." Do they even work on the paper towels we use for eating at the coffee table while watching a Bob's Burgers marathon… Read more

SO NOW YOU DON'T WANT THE FONDUE SET EITHER? Oh my GOD what a pain the ass. Read more

So are you seriously saying that me taking all my old boxes of cereal and pouring them into one ziploc bag isn't a good enough wedding present for you? Well la-dee-da, your majesty. Sheesh. Read more