No I did not, darling. As explained in another comment. I meant to use a lot of Burt references, as I always have. Do not Burtsplain or Burtcorrect Burt. Read more

Like.....DUHHHHHHHHHH. Read more

I'm not a goddamn millennial and thanks for reminding everyone that commenters lump every writer on the Internet into one dumb category AND take a joke at the same time. Bye. Read more

that bird is a drama queen tho Read more

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. And I'm going to be that other guy (and bold it too) who points out to you that not only I never say that was the case I also addressed in a comment the 2 or 3 other pedantic pedant "that guys" who went all pedantic and didn't realize that this post isn't a literal THIS IS SMOKEY THIS… Read more

whatever birds Read more

Somebody else mentioned this but Gabi isn't even the darkest part of this shit—"On Friday I take [the canaries] out.." WHAT THE FUCK OMG Read more

There are actual people trying to Burtsplain that the photo isn't from CB2 and the video isn't from Smokey OMG SHUT UP. I never said they were THIS IS AN OVERALL HOMAGE TO SOME OF THE BEST EXAMPLES OF BURT'S WORKS NEVER CORRECT ME ON BURT EVERY AGAIN OR THE SPIRIT OF DOM DELUISE WILL CURSE YOU. Read more

Yes, Vodka is always capitalized. Don't let the bastards tell you any different. Read more

I wanted to give a shout out to my favorite commenters but I knew I would forget cool people and look like an asshole. So I'll just say Gella is the sweetest and apparently I am engaged to Adultosaur. Read more

Oh of course. Maybe I'll come back for Fuck It Fridays or something. Read more

You are a miserable bastard. Now go eat a tomato and get the fuck out of here. ::BURSTS INTO TEARS::

Also, from time to time I will be contributing counterpoint essays to the Team Cat Headquarters blog. They have assured me I will have editorial control in all of my pieces. I assure you if this is not the case, I will resign my tenure as contributor. Read more

"Binge watching is for people who have a fuckton of house cleaning to do and what something to put on in the background." FTFY, science! Read more

In the very, very early days of Match.com, I was living in LA and one of the people who emailed/contacted me from my profile was the guy who played Mike Teevee in the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory movie (the awesome Gene Wilder one). He was nice but we never went on an actual date. Read more

Is anyone weirded out by how the speaker thingies right under the television look EXACTLY LIKE FUCKING CAT EYES?????????? Read more

I actually don't know for sure but all reports are that she was not able to use her egg (mentioned in the article and some included links) which is a big part of the reason why she was not listed as a parent. Read more

No because that is his official title and I must abide by journalistic rules and standards sorry Read more

TOLD Y'ALL. TOLD YA. Read more

That first gif KILLS ME from laughing so hard Read more