I used to tell that lie at bars in Chicago, but I embellished it by explaining that they were gyro cows and you had to feed them oregano and only the downslope leg would get big enough to fit on the gyro rotisserie. I got s lot of free drinks with that story.  Read more

Growing up, I spent summers with my great aunt and uncle in the small community where all of my extended family lived (except my parents, who moved us to an even more rural community that was terrifying even to six year old me). And one of daddy’s first cousins committed a triple murder in that town one night when I… Read more

They know we’re thinking, “who’s next?” and arguing about the odds on Uncle Fred bc he's got to be half dead already.  Read more

Or you could watch The Incredible Dr. Pol, which is set in the frigid wilds of Michigan. I swear he sticks his arms into cows just to warm up his fingers.  Read more

I’m gonna invent a dating app that helps you find other people who want to watch awkward first dates. I’ll call it Peeple. Read more

That makes sense. I compost and add lots of egg shells to my plants for extra calcium.  Maybe the epsom salts make it easier to utilize that calcium.  Read more

You are living a Hallmark movie dream. Now you get to open a quaint B&B in a sleepy little town that is harboring a dark secret.  Read more

A couple years ago I read an article about “pillow angel” surgery to prevent an severely handicapped child from entering puberty and thus never exhibit secondary sex characteristics. I remember expecting to be appalled but, after reading that parents feared abuse if their children ended up in nursing homes after the… Read more

I have a very limited garden space thanks to buying a house with a sprinkler system, so I was worried about wearing out the soil in my small allotment. For the past two years, I have sprinkled epsom salt on the soil and had amazing tomatoes—no blossom end rot and just amazing growth through the heat of August. I have… Read more

We can only hope that “genital fissure” is not phrase that lurks in a middle school bully’s brain.  Read more

Henceforth, Georgia is North Florida. Read more

Yeah, right. Over Arya’s dead body. Arya will steal the face of the dead dragon and invite mommy for a warm cuddle before she bends a knee.  Read more

You need to win--you saw a pissing contest. Read more

Then every one of those babies should either be named Elizabeth or Warren so future generations can see how this policy worked out.  Read more

Ramsey’s remains were digested by the dogs. He's piles of poo by now.  Read more

You have the opportunity to make the life you want for yourself, without walking on eggshells and waiting for the world to end bc he decides to be a jerk. Relish your freedom.  It is going to seem scary to wake up with your mind free from worry and fear, but you can learn to live on your newfound peace. You have… Read more

I think it needs a dollop of Russian dressing to truly Be Best.  Read more

Yep, and now the line is shorter!  Read more

I could see them donating the difference to charity, so their taxes don’t go to Trump’s stupid wall.  Read more

When I was in college in the mid 80's, one of my floor mates was president of the Menudo fan club and she brought them back to our dorm after a concert. The older boys were running around flirting shamelessly with the college girls, but this one doe-eyed boy was much younger and obviously sad. My grandma had sent me a… Read more