Oh good, I'm glad to see that the Jays are finally picking up that outfielder from GlarnaxXz 7. He was really a huge part of the MLbsdoi(@!" team last year! I can't wait to see his Booster Juice billboard. Read more

Dude, this has been the longest, bullshittiest week yet. Read more

I get the strong feeling that you are new around these here parts. Read more

THE WORST. I am firmly anti-oatmeal raisin. If I want to be healthy, I'll eat a salad. Don't try to ruin desserts for me, grandma! You don't know me! Read more

Or make them better? ... nope, ruined. Ruined forever. Read more

[IMMEDIATELY STARTS RUNNING IN THE DIRECTION OF CALIFORNIA, DROWNS IN LAKE ONTARIO] Read more

Unfortunately, I live in the wild woods of Canada and am therefore unable to shop at Trader Joe's. Sure, we have 75% of the maple syrup in the world, but at what price? Read more

Did you ever get the giant bags from Costco? Holy shit, those were the best back when they were $7 for approximately 400 lbs of delicious dried mangoes. Once the price went up though it was like UGH FUCK THAT and now I suffer in my mango-less hell (I also no longer have easy access to a Costco. Where am I supposed to… Read more

"Wait, you know 'Craisins' but you don't know 'tsunami'?" Read more

I can't get over the fact that they feel like earlobes. Read more

I'm inherently distrustful of dried berries. They just seem wrong to me. Read more

My mom once said that they smell like baby vomit and to this day I can never get that image out of my head. THANKS MOM. Read more

You really can't go wrong with them. Sure, apples (in non-dried form) are great and versatile and blah blah blah (minus red delicious, the waxy sociopath of the apple world), but pears are so much tastier overall in raw form. Read more

Never raisins. I'm firmly in the KEEP YO RAISINS OUT OF MY BAKING USA USA USA camp. I don't feel like pretending that the 45 lb cinnamon roll I'm about to eat that's thick with icing is even remotely healthy. Raisins just add to that lie because they were once fruit. Read more

Dried cherries are like trying to eat dead flies or something. Apricots are more like "getting hit in the shin with a Fisher-Price golf club". Read more

Come on, we all know that the dried fruit ranking goes:

1. Mangoes
2. Apricots
3. Pears (I've never actually had a dried one, but fuck it, pears are delicious)
4. Raisins (but never in cookies. HOW DARE YOU LIE TO ME AND PRETEND TO BE A CHOCOLATE CHIP YOU STUPID RAISIN)
5. Bananas
6. Pineapples
7. Apple Rings, because they… Read more

I feel you, oh how I feel you. My hometown has a single Starbucks but about 30 Tim Hortons because we don't need none of that fancy-schmancy grande frappalattamochaccinos thingys! Just give us double-doubles until we drown in them! Read more

Oh man, Orbitz forever. I mean, bubble tea is great, but those were like... bubble tea for people who lived in tiny towns with only one decent mall and who only recently got a Gap Outlet (i.e. me). Read more

My aunt was pushing really, really hard to get my parents to name me Matisse. As in the last name of the artist as my first name. Thankfully, my mum went, "Hang on a second, no" at the last second and named me Alex instead. MUCH BETTER, THANKS MOM. Read more

Gareth Bale? Read more