The Super Bowl’s Horniest Moments

Amidst a shower of Purple Rain (no, actually it was raining), our beloved Prince reduced America’s 2007 Super Bowl audience to a puddle of moral panic over a “shadow malfunction” in which his guitar kinda (probably deliberately) looked like an electrified member. While one NYMag critic called the shadow figure “rude” and “crude,” NFL spokesman Greg Aiello told CBS that the league had received no complaints regarding Prince’s perceived penis. For once, the NFL knows what’s up.

This 2009 Bud Light commercial makes me nauseous, not only because Frank the talking chimpanzee is a certified pervert, but because Frank was trying to steal his own father’s date, which is so rude!!! Frank reveals to a busty date in spaghetti straps that “Baby, I do a little bit more than just talk” as he looks her up and down and continues to proposition his dad’s date after she has clearly become uncomfortable. Just WHY???

Dave “Coach Dave” Daubenmire is a right-wing Christian activist who posted a red-faced rant after Shakira and JLo’s 2020 halftime show because, and I quote, “YOU DIDN’T TELL ME THERE WERE GONNA BE CROTCH SHOTS.”

Yes, Coach Dave was pissed at the NFL for putting his eternal salvation at risk by not warning him that the two Latinx women might make him hard. He did not agree that the repeated “crotch shots” were PG, thus putting him inadvertently in danger of hell’s fire. “Your young son whose hormones are just starting to operate, is there any warning that what he’s about to see might get him sexually excited?” is the new version of “asking for a friend.” Coach Dave repeatedly insisted that “we oughta sue,” because god forbid two hot asses are the worst thing that’s ever happened to the NFL, right???

I’m admittedly one of those morally annoying people who tries not to buy anything on Amazon, but after watching this Alexa commercial last year, I found my faith wavering. IMAGINE IF MICHAEL B. JORDAN READ PRODUCT ORDERS TO YOU?!?! Wet wipes. Hardware. Membership. The woman in this commercial is so horny for Michael (as am I) that she’s about to orgasm around her fellow employees just at the thought of the actor participating in story time in a bathtub with her. I deem thee, dear commercial, one of the most accurately horny Super Bowl commercials of all time.

Tits clenched together in a sports bra? Ass cheeks spread in child’s pose? Pelvic thrusting and moaning? Here’s Bud Light, again, doing the most to objectify women and, like, not even in an original way.

Nipplegate of 2004 unlocked an entire discourse on female sexuality, nudity, and the way Black women get to (or, are condemned for) undress in public that still continues today with exhaustive documentaries and retrospectives. Justin Timberlake landed himself in Horny Jail after taking part in ripping Janet Jackson’s top off in front of an audience of more than 100 million viewers, then dodging all responsibility, and dragging Janet through the mud in the aftermath. While he’s apologized in recent years, I never said I’m above holding grudges and will continue to hold this grudge against Justin until he sits down to write a dissertation about our culture’s animosity towards Black sexuality (and reads it aloud to Janet while feeding her cookies).

PETA has always been all sorts of unhinged, but paying hot models to rub themselves down with broccoli, pumpkins, and asparagus (why asparagus???) to prove that vegetarians have better sex? YIKES. Nothing makes me want to fuck like a bundle of asparagus!!

To Coors Light’s credit, at least this commercial is honest about what the NFL is really about: “poms poms and short skirts,” “eating way too much, watching my team win...with the twins.” In one of countless “hot twins” propaganda pieces that fantasize about the unspeakable horniness of fucking twin sisters at the same time, I have nothing but respect for Coors showing their true colors, defining exactly what their core demographic loves, which is apparently tits, twins, and football. Ten points for honesty, negative 30 points for being stupid enough to televise it.

Just ignore everyone else in the above photo, because Bey stole the entire 2016 halftime show with “Formation” and her troupe of Black Panther dancers. There’s power, there’s twerking, and HITCH KICKS, PEOPLE. I don’t know how one can strut in black booties when you’re the queen of pop culture and simply not have an inherent horniness to it. I could also be horny for this routine because there are no men in it, and that excites me.

In 2015, the horndogs over at Carls Jr. outdid themselves by placing various boob-shaped items in front of Charlotte McKinney’s very real boobs. Broadcasters across the country lost their shit, claiming the ad was more “for buns than burger” and that it had set feminism back “four decades.” I don’t know, just a thought: As much as I’m annoyed at the men who put McKinney in this position in the first place, perhaps if we spent as much time educating ourselves about voting rights and the American political system as we did shaming women for profiting off their own sexuality, we’d be a much better country!!!