Miami Swim Week Remains the Most Chaotic Fashion Week of the Year

Why have we never thought to wear a top hat and thigh-high fuchsia tights to the beach? It’s like Fancy-Englishman-Who-Owns-a-Cotton-Mill-in-the-1900s Barbie...but in the Miami summer.

Oh, sorry, were you talking to me? You’re wearing a boring black bikini, so I simply didn’t see you there. But no, this is no longer your cooler of sandwiches and White Claws, this is now my cooler of sandwiches and White Claws. And no, the feathers aren’t waterproof.

I love the idea of wearing almost nothing to the point where you can literally see my labia, but still making sure I add some polite, Victorian lace gloves and a cascading veil. Emily Post-approved swim (wedding?) wear! Downright virginal.

This is what you wear to the beach when you want to make sure no one hits on or touches you.

Three hours in the sun with this baby on, and you’ll look like you’re being permanently attacked by two starfish friends and their long-ass tentacles for the rest of the summer. Cute, def skip the sunscreen!

Now, this is actually the one practical beach look I’m seeing this week, given climate change-propelled pollution, wildfires, and the general disintegration of air quality. A gas mask is the must-have accessory of the summer.

Ideal for a beachside salsa class, but looks like a nightmare to try to put on if your skin is wet.

Bandeau? Cool. High-waisted hip-cut bottom? Sure. Pastel psychedelic leggings that expose the corners of my vagina and thigh sides and pull down the crotch of said bottom? WHY?! I just need a backstory.

A beach cape! Fucking genius. Yes times 200 million. I want to walk onto a beach and see everyone scramble to move out of my way. This is what I’d wear in Miami if I were auditioning to be FLOTUS.

*sings in Taylor Swift evermore* “I’m begging for you to take my hand/Wreck my plans/That’s MY man!” (Would wear the shoes!)

So...is this meant to be a wedding dress? Or what the bride wears on her honeymoon? Or to her bachelorette party? Or to her sex cult baptism?

A perfect solution to when the climate change gets so bad that the respirator masks sported by the earlier guy no longer work. To tropical, coastal Mars and beyond!

I hate that anything pink now just automatically makes me think of Barbie, but to me, this looks like Barbie got shipwrecked on a desert island for weeks, maybe months. She collected little shells, found some washed-up nets, went diving for a bunch of pearls, and turned her torn clothes into one-of-a-kind designer duds while waiting for a rescue that may never come. Barbie II: Shipwrecked. CC’ing Greta Gerwig.

Teletubbies are having a moment and I couldn’t be happier for them. (For the record, this show, while still part of Miami Swim Week, was held in June.) But I’m not sure if I’d feel safe going swimming in this unless it also functions as a floatation device.

What is up with the red salsa dresses at Swim Week, though, seriously?

Again with the starfish-attacking-you tanlines. And while this definitely won’t keep the sand out of your vagina, it will make it easy for you to feed your vagina plenty of vitamin D, Shailene-Woodley style, while still technically not having to worry about getting kicked off the beach for being naked.

OK, if there’s one takeaway from Miami Swim Week so far, it’s that we’re all supposed to be channeling the dancing emoji lady when planning a beach day.

No, but seriously.

Another cape!! Ema Savahi is officially my favorite swimwear designer, and “royal mermaid comes ashore to search for her stolen crown that was snatched by a fuckboy sailor” is officially my summer 2023 vibe.