Mercury Retrograde: A Guide for Anti-Abortion Lawmakers

Samuel Alito—the best worst Aries! Reckless, selfish, intolerant to any belief not his own. But Alito doesn’t need to reflect on any of this right now—no Aries does. This period is all about getting excited over any project you have involving writing, or communications, or public speaking. It’ll go off without a hitch. So all any ram has to do right now is continue to not think before they speak. Don’t practice. Don’t revise. The audience will love you and nothing from right now could possibly ever come back to haunt you in the future.

There’s probably not a Taurus more Taurus than Matt Gaetz: an angry, short-tempered bull who loves to indulge in things that are bad for them, if not fully illegal under federal anti-trafficking laws. But Matt, this Mercury Retrograde is bringing prosperous news! Your finances should be doing fantastic, and there’s no need to worry about income. Ignore those receipts, those old invoices, and that “private” toggle on your Venmo app—everyone you’ve ever promised to pay for their...erm…services…has been paid and won’t sneak up out of any cracks. If you feel like taking a moment to just double—or even triple—check something, don’t. It’s unnecessary, and you could better use that time to enjoy the fact that all your plans are unfolding beautifully. Throw out all your tax documents and relax, you have plenty of money and you didn’t accidentally mismanage any of it.

Geminis love to talk. And who talks more than Marjorie Taylor Greene—a quintessential Gemini who tends to over-exaggerate everything and usually acts like a child. You might remember zingers such as comparing masks mandates to the Holocaust or saying that Satan sells abortion to women! Well this Mercury Retrograde is encouraging Greene to say all the things (if there’s anything?) that she’s ever held back. Now is NOT the time to listen to others. What do they know anyway? Go off and say what you mean, even if you have no idea the meaning of what you’re saying. (Also, this is not a time for Geminis to trust their intuition. If you find it saying something like, “you just dodged a bullet to your eligibility to stay on November’s ballot, maybe pull it back a little.” Ignore it. That’s some other planet’s energy coming in and trying to screw things up for you.)

Clarence Thomas is a classic Cancer. Loves a grudge. Loves to be overly emotional and moody—especially if they don’t get their way. If Thomas, and any like-minded cancers, have any dark, dusty skeletons in their closet this is the perfect time to…throw open the door and let those rack of bones shimmy their way out. They’ll be no drama, no scandals. If you’re worried people might be hurt...don’t. They will be FINE. Actually, they’ll probably laugh that you thought they’d care in the first place. Mercury wants you to leave this retrograde with a clear conscious and super clean closet just in time for Spring.

OK, unfortunately for Nebraska Governor Pete Ricketts, Leos are the ones negatively affected by this Mercury Retrograde. This is the least favored sign during this transit, so all anti-abortion lions should just stay home and keep to themselves. Going out, having fun, and charming friends and family with opinions about how or why women shouldn’t be allowed to choose what to do with their bodies is pointless right now and would bring nothing but pain and disappointment. Stop campaigning. Stop schmoozing. Stop fundraising. It’s simply not worth the risk under Mercury’s tumultuous influence.

Neil Gorsuch, there is nothing to be upset about (you don’t even have a womb)! But you are a Virgo and this Mercury retrograde sees your reputation and public image not even a little bit threatened. So you can breathe a big sigh of relief—and tell all your perfectionist and overly critical Virgo tendencies to jump in the backseat for a bit. Once you’ve quieted all those annoying corners of your mind, you might find yourself wondering, questioning, imagining...is this the path for me? But remember, Mercury wants everyone to stop questioning themselves so much. If a tiny voice in the back of your head says, “Quit?” Then go with those vibes, Gorsuch! Resign! Be free!

Everything is coming up for roses for Tennessee governor Bill Lee, and anti-abortion Libras everywhere! Governor Lee, who just signed a bill that would make it a crime to distribute abortion meds through Telehealth, might find it fun to travel during this transit, just to see what exciting anti-abortion policies other states are putting in place. Mercury famously makes travel easy and stress-free—all you have to worry about is choosing where to go and how to get there. The plane will absolutely be on time, and your luggage will definitely not be lost in transit.

Hey Greg Abbott, feel that tropical breeze? Because it’s all white sand beaches and smooth sailing for you my friend—not a single relationship argument, blowout, or meltdown in sight. As a Scorpio, you might often feel insensitive, aggressive, ruthless…but Mercury is welcoming you to tap into all that right now. You’ll be received as favorably as ever! Don’t watch your words; don’t even waste a single half a second thinking about your partner’s (or anyone’s) feelings, for that matter. “Backfire” shouldn’t even be in your vocabulary.

Ah, Susan Collins. A classic Sagittarius who can’t figure out when to wield her blind optimism or her obnoxious judgment. But we’re not here to explain how to know when, or when not, to put your faith in people—we’re here to say that this Mercury retrograde is Your. Time. To. Get. Impulsive. A Sagittarius is already annoyingly impulsive, but right now the universe is saying loud and clear: “Susan, wouldn’t it be fun to just retire and just munch on lobsters for the rest of your life?” Even though it may seem like a rash decision—it will not be under this very caring and nurturing transit, and you’ll be so happy to have taken this giant leap of faith without question.

It’s crazy, but some astrologers are actually saying that for Capricorns, this Mercury Retrograde could get a little tense at work. But that’s OK. If you’re a Capricorn like the always working, authoritarian-curious Oklahoma Governor Kevin Stitt, this is a great opportunity to take a look around and say hey, “Where do I really want to be?” Maybe you’ll find that you want to be in another country, or on a deserted island on a different planet without access to any type of anti-abortion legislation. Honestly, almost anywhere sounds better than Oklahoma…doesn’t it Kevin? Doesn’t it?! Mercury is encouraging you to say YES to your dreams of international travel.

Aquariuses like Brett Kavanaugh and Amy Coney Barrett will have a gorgeous Mercury retrograde…all matters of real estate and family and love will blossom with little to no attention. Kavanaugh, whose irrational anger—“I like beer!”—literally screams Aquarius, should spend this time really relaxing at home. Maybe buying another two or three homes. Maybe doing some yard work at his home. Just really fucking embracing everything inside the perimeter of his home.

Leave it to Mitch McConnell to be a Pisces. This turtle man is about to have one hell of a carefree Mercury Retrograde! McConnell recently said it’s possible that Republicans may legislate a nationwide ban on abortion…and if you’re a Pisces who’s made a similar threatening but still somewhat vague statement, don’t worry about clarifying. Or following through. Or following up. Or even talking about it, ever again. In fact, this is an ideal moment to really lean in to some of your (some would say) worst personality traits: a tendency to be lazy, a tendency to avoid responsibilities, a tendency to get a little escapist and swim around in your own mind’s ocean of imagination for a bit. Mercury says go do all of that for a bit—probably even a bit longer than it feels like you should. Then stay there a while.