36 Gifts for Your Friend Who Won't Shut Up About Astrology

The fire archer is likely either your favorite or least favorite person in the world. The first to crack an inappropriate joke, the last to leave the dance floor, and the only one to bluntly tell you that you’re doing something stupid—even though they recently did the same very stupid thing, and probably was the person who originally encouraged you to do the very stupid thing.

Find them at an airport, a 7 a.m. meditation in the middle of a jungle, or in their therapist’s office crying over the fact that they can’t actually be everything, everywhere, all at once. If you’re shopping for them, go for a loud accessory, something that encourages their last-minute excursions abroad, or anything that might tickle their very sarcastic and out-of-the-box funny bone.

If any friends, family, or boyfriends are reading this and trying to think about what to get me, that chicken egg lamp is only $15. The Cotopaxi “Hip Pack” is $40, and the insanely fun and colorful B Fresh Gear visor shades are $45—both of which would look great on me...while I’m hiking in the sun...through South America.

Virgos are kind and responsible celestial Earth Gods with giant, stressed-out brains that love notes, love to expect perfection from everyone, and really, really love being absolutely awful to themselves for not being gods. (Although Beyonce’s a Virgo and she’s come pretty close.) They’ll save a basket of kittens from a burning house and then get angry at themselves because they didn’t save the kittens the second the first flame sparked. They want to save the world and probably really want to take a nap but would never admit to needing sleep like some pitiful human.

Ease their worry that they’re never doing enough with a zero-waste kitchen kit ($60) so they can help the environment and wash the dishes (one of their favorite activities). Try a propagation stand ($19) that makes for a gorgeous desk display, nurtures their natural green thumb, and acts as a tool to give their loved ones gifts. OR help them (not that they need any help ever, from anyone) keep track of all those lists and intrusive thoughts with a simple, practical notebook ($14)—with a cover image of gentle, inimitable Keanu Reeves. Beyonce might be a queen, but Reeves (whose sun, rising, Mercury, Uranus, and Pluto are all in Virgo) is the ultimate Earth Goddess.

Aries are out of their minds, but the entertaining, laugh-until-your-stomach-falls-out-of-your-ass, follow-them-into-a-dark-void kind of out of their minds. The ram is a fire sign ruled by Mars and represented by diamonds, the hardest-known natural substance that dazzles after centuries of pressure. They’re both the babies and the leaders of the zodiac—a potentially deadly combination but for sure the best sign to spend an eternity with in hell. An Aries will blindly and gleefully go where no human, animal, plant, or substance has gone before.

Rams are masters of big, physical comedy, so Telestrations ($30), which is drunk, dirty Pictionary, will speak to their goofy sense of humor but ensure any wild hand gestures or over-the-top expressions are contained to a page. A bright pink pair of disco cowgirl earrings ($20) might not make sense to you but will make perfect sense to an Aries—and keep them standing out in the crowd that they’re already definitely standing out in. And binoculars ($56) will encourage them to stand still for one fucking second and soak in whatever festival/mountaintop/orgy they’re exploring.

It’s thrilling to have a Scorpio decide you’re cool enough to talk to, and it’s terrifying when they decide you’re no longer cool enough to talk to. Despite being a venomous, pinch-happy arachnid, Scorpios are a water sign, which makes them deeply, and surprisingly, emotional. But they’re also ruled by Pluto—the planet of death and destruction. Basically, they’re a candlelit, aromatherapy bath with a plugged-in hairdryer hovering less than a centimeter above the surface.

They’re definitely the most stressful sign with the highest stakes to shop for, so I hope you don’t fuck this up. If they hate your gift, don’t say you got the suggestion from me. That said! The hardcover edition of The Complete Grimms’ Fairy Tales ($32) has the perfect Scorpio balance of dark and whimsy, and will keep their bookshelf looking like a mysterious, cobwebbed, 17th-century library. A bracelet with “fuck off” spelled out in Morse code ($15) will help them secretly give the middle finger to everyone who pisses them off. And while they probably already know everything about tarot reading, palm reading, or spellwork (whether or not they even realize it), reading tea leaves with this specialized fortune-telling teacup ($78) will indulge their witchy side and allow them to find out if their enemies will forever rue the day they dared to give them the side eye.

Bulls work the hardest. They also relax the hardest. This sign will work a 430-hour week (without anyone asking them to) and then have themselves a spa/siesta/snack so luxurious it makes Kate Middleton looks like she works on a fishing boat. Because they’re working and relaxing so hard, they appreciate the best of everything life can offer: food, wine, pillows, trash cans, shoe insoles, whatever. They’re not so much materialistic as they are appreciative of a job expertly done—whether that’s a task, a nap, or a grudge that spills over into multiple lifetimes. You never need to tell a Taurus to treat themselves, because the idea that they shouldn’t always be treating themselves has never occurred to them.

They probably bought their wine glasses from some village artisans who took 20 years to craft them. They’re probably working on a novel that they’ll finish when they’re 85 and then win 100 awards for. They probably bought you a very, very good gift. Brooklinen’s boujee Mulberry Silk Bundle ($64) will keep their naps as opulent as their taste. Get them a few stylish bottles (or a case) of “red-ish” wine ($29) from Molly Baz’s new wine label, Drink This Wine. Or, wrap them up a bonsai tree kit ($36) that captures every bull’s dream combination of painstaking patience and an exquisite display of hard work.

The open-minded, bohemian, idealistic water bearer sees the world through holographic glasses made from a material not of this planet, or even this plane of existence. Historically, water bearers brought water from a river to people’s homes. Mythically, water bearers nourished the Earth with whatever it needed to keep the peace. Either way, Aquariuses want humans to want a better world for ourselves. That might sound exhausting to be around, but they’re an air sign, so they’re also social and fun, unless you’re trying to date them, in which case, good fucking luck trying to not get ghosted.

Listen to the Fifth Dimension’s infamous song “Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In” and gift them something that’ll make them feel like sunlight is shooting from their fingertips so they can heal the world with galactic rays of light. Or get them a crystal space ball ($48) so they can always feel like they’re floating through the universe. They’d obviously love anything that gives back to a cause they care about, like this box of cozy socks from Conscious Step ($45) whose proceeds benefit the United Nations Trust Fund to End Violence Against Women. And every Aquarius needs a fluffy, funky blanket ($49) to wrap themselves in if they decide to ever touch back down to Earth.

Ah, the twins. Playful, charming, mischievous: They can charm a snake into biting itself. They can chat a monk into breaking a 40-year vow of silence. They can begin a conversation, veer off into 100,000 other topics and still, somehow, bring it home to whatever point they were initially trying to make. They are the Simone Biles of having a conversation—only in conversation with themselves, usually because they contain about three dozen personalities and are eternally amused by their own thoughts, ideas, and opinions. In a good, gold-medal-winning way!

Whoever came up with the word “charisma” probably did so after meeting a Gemini. You can count on these air signs for the best gossip, the best drugs, the best whiplash-inducing mood swings, and most likely, the best nights of your life. Give your curious, slightly sociopathic but still endearing twin A24's new coffee table book ($85), whose title is every Gemini’s absolute favorite thing to ask and be asked, and whose contents will let them learn new things they can talk about. Speaking (lol) of, a set of constellation wine glasses ($80) will fuel them with plenty of gas to philosophize until 4 a.m.—with the star patterns serving as yet another topic they can tell you they know everything about. And finally, a pack of lickable bubbles ($30) is the perfect toy for all that playful charm and mischievousness. Who knows where they’ll actually use them, but wherever it is, you can be sure they’ll tell you one hell of a story about it.

Here comes the sun! Blinding you with their light! Bulldozing you down with their presence! If you’re trying to spot a Leo, look for a stage, spotlight, karaoke microphone—essentially anything that lets them live, laugh, and love a little above everyone else. These lions are equal parts ferocious and lovable, insecure and confident, with a roar loud enough to get everyone in the animal kingdom to the watering hole for a spontaneous celebration of nothing that will definitely include a midnight performance of something, starring them.

I wasn’t going to include anything karaoke-related as a suggested gift because it feels very obvious (and is also included on every other Leo gift list), but then a Leo I know said they wanted a karaoke machine for Christmas and, well, stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason. So get your Leo a karaoke microphone ($31). Or a wavy, retro mirror ($37) that doubles as wall art so they can admire their favorite person in the world. Or try a champagne blaster ($100) so even if they’re not the life of the party (which is almost never) they can use it to attract whatever kind of attention they’re craving. Plus, they have perfect aim and will always have the good champagne, because life is too short to drink anything but!

Sweet, sensitive Cancers. They’re likely crying, about to cry, or using every cell of strength they have to hold back their tears. But the deeply intuitive water sign is more likely to cry because they stepped on an ant rather than their barista having kind of a weird, rude tone that morning—though they might decide to throw a little tantrum over that and hold a lifelong grudge.

Basically, they’re happy as long as they have your unwavering love, affection, friendship, eternal devotion, etc. Get them a planter with a cute, smiling face ($27), which will give them something to nurture and care for while ensuring they always have a friend within reach. The ocean-loving June/July-born signs will always be excited to have a fun, new beach towel—and Sand Cloud’s Wanderlust towel ($48) could also double as a giant tissue to help dry their tears. Or give them the gift of staying home, surrounding themselves with their loved ones, and feeding them with the Great Jones’ Hot Dish ($75); they’ll be crying tears of joy.

The swimming fish are happiest when they’re crying, know what you’re feeling before you’ve even felt it, and wish they lived in an 18th-century novel where they could run through an open field, draped in Jane Austen garments, mourning a long-lost love who never even knew them. Pisces’ emotional depth is deeper than the combined depth of every body of water in the universe. They’re annoyingly creative, obnoxiously wise, and if you feel like they just spaced out on you: Yes, they did. Their imaginations and dreams are rich and vibrant and way more exciting than whatever you were trying to talk to them about.

The final sign of the zodiac would always appreciate another sparkly, celestial journal ($28)—because you can bet they already have 385—to record their dreams and write down all the thoughts and feelings of the universe. An adult watercolor set ($50) will help them bring all those big visions to life. And a Victorian-style tissue box ($22) will really let them live out their dream of being a heartbroken, romantic-era heroine.

Libras are an air sign, as well as the only sign in a zodiac that’s represented by an object: the scales. Maintaining balance is both their life’s journey and burden. Imagine giving a soap dish every human emotion or, in contrast, giving an award-winning opera singer the personality of a soap dish. Both would lose their minds trying to find their way back to neutral. Such is the inner world of a Libra. They love anything aesthetically pleasing and all big group gatherings—if for no other reason than they serve as a distraction from a mind that consistently oscillates between feelings and intellect.

It’s hard being an inanimate item who obsesses over every side, corner, and backdoor of any story or situation in an impossible effort to maintain some type of balance. A mood ring ($24) that’s a little more sterling silver and a little less $5-from-Claire’s will help them understand what they’re feeling without spending three hours agonizing over it. A Hermès planner ($60) will satisfy their love of status and force them to write down things before they can second guess them. Lastly, the book Great Women Painters ($65) will appeal to their need for art, knowledge, and, most importantly, justice!

Whatever a Capricorn is doing, just know they’re doing it better than you. The most ruthlessly determined sign of the stars is also the most goddamn dignified—they’ll slice through competition with a sterling silver Tiffany knife and then use it to enjoy a celebratory Michelin-starred filet mignon, because they just got another raise, promotion, honorary degree, penthouse, couple mil from counting cards at the casino, etc. Way less fun than a Taurus and way more organized than a Virgo, these Earth signs are pessimistic realists who invented Excel. But if they trust you enough to let loose a little, you’ll be in for a wild night.

The only thing they really want is success, but unless you’re their boss, here are some other options: As one of the most famous Capricorns, a book about David Bowie ($18) would inspire and humble your Capricorn—and Bowie’s Bookshelf: The Hundred Books That Changed David Bowie’s Life is a to-do list of shit to read, making your sea goat the happiest little sea goat in the land. A wooden, stand-up to-do list ($65) would let them take a break from their iPads and laptops while still admiring all the shit that they have to do that makes them important. Or, get really wild and give them a cheeky coffee mug ($20) that will get them to take a breath, crack a smile, but still be thinking of Excel.