Many have observed that Attorney General Jeff Sessions is reminiscent of a Keebler elf and, truly, it is uncanny. That said, every time I look at him, I’m also reminded of a variety of other haunted objects, including:
- A cursed porcelain figurine from a New Orleans antique store
- A battered, dusty Confederate figurine stolen from the Atlanta Cyclorama recreation of the Battle of Atlanta
- A church peppermint that fell in the dirt
- A mildewed vintage dresser scarf
- An ensorcelled pile of mashed potatoes from a meat and three restaurant
- A mutated Vidalia onion
- A Sunday school teacher randomly dressed as Pontius Pilate on Easter Sunday despite zero support from the pastor for doing so
- A recreation of Twelve Oaks swallowed whole by kudzu, the roof caved in
- A taxidermied skunk
- A mayo-heavy and yet inexplicably marshmallow-topped casserole brought to a funeral that even family members blinded by grief are very careful to steer away from
- A golem made from Chick tracts about marijuana and swamp water
- A third cousin (?) who appeared at the family reunion exactly once
Thanks for your time.