Although I tried to avoid it, there is a lot of Trump in shade court this week. At a certain, point, I just had to lean into it and at least try to enjoy witnessing this man’s humiliation, made all the more humiliating by the fact that he doesn’t realize the entire world is laughing at him. I guess that makes me feel a little better, kind of.
In this week’s Shade Court, the Cool Pope throws down, Melania Trump still hates her husband and why do we have to bring emojis into everything?
Shade Court Docket #2017JZ000068
The Case: The Pope woke up, said a few extra prayers, put on one of Jude Law’s backup costumes and prepared to welcome our idiot president to The Vatican. As is customary, the two bros exchanged gifts upon meeting.
Trump gave Pope Francis a boxed set of books written by Martin Luther King. As he did so, the Pope was probably thinking: Yeah, dumbass, I’ve already read those because I’m a smart, well-rounded leader who bothered to study some of the greatest leaders and thinkers this world has ever produced before signing up for the goddamn job.
Pope Francis gave Trump some large medal-looking thing—no doubt because someone told him that Trump, like an untrained dog or a one season Real Housewife is easily impressed by shiny things—and a copy of his 2015 letter on climate change, “Laudato Si: On the Care of the Common Home.”
The Defendant: My goodness, everyone
The Evidence:
The Deliberation: The Cool Pope does it again! Granted, Pope Francis’ coolness is relative to him being the head of an institution that doesn’t allow women to lead some prayers and swing around incense, but, as white people with Twitter accounts who learned the word “woke” four months ago know, the bar is significantly lower these days.
I love Pope shade because he’s one of those people you’d least expect shade from. For some reason, you sort of imagine him being above petty slights against people he doesn’t like, but it’s nice to know even god’s earthly mouthpiece sometimes can’t help himself.
So, let’s consider the shade. For starters, he gave Trump a book. There just has to be a running joke among the world’s leaders knowing this moron can’t even get through a basic intelligence briefing without colorful pictures and a tablecloth to draw on. And, of course, I believe Pope Francis did this with the understanding that Trump knows good and goddamn well that climate change is real but continues pimping the ignorant talking points of the Republican party to appease their idiot supporters who trust science in almost every arena but this one.
The Ruling: Shade
Shade Court Docket #2017JZ000069
The Case: Melania Trump still hasn’t divorced her husband and therefore was forced to attend his trip overseas. As the “couple” landed in Israel and strolled off the plane, the world saw Donald reach for his wife’s hand only to see her bat it away like any sane person would.
The Defendant: Raw Story and Twitter people
The Evidence:
The Deliberation: This is obviously not shade so I’m not going to waste your or my time going through some stupid debate with an obvious ending. What Melania Trump did do was curve Donald. She curved him plainly, in public, with the entire world watching and recording. We good? Good.
Now I’d like to focus on this tweet:
What, I must ask, in the hell/Tampa hybrid that haunts my nightmares is HAND SHADE? ARE WE JUST PUTTING WORDS TOGETHER NOW REGARDLESS OF ANY RATIONALITY OR MEANING?
Evil Gobstoppers
Opera Pigs
Leaf Fangs
Soup Head
Jupiter Toothbrush
Lollipop Podiatrist
Tiddlywink Zebra
I CAN DO THIS SHIT TOO.
The Ruling: Not shade
Shade Court Docket #2017JZ000070
The Case: Twitter is adding more emojis to its platform because sometimes you don’t want to clutter up your feed with gifs, I suppose.
With the update, Twitter users will have access to more inclusive emoji options for gender and skin tones. Fittingly for Twitter, the update also includes the best shade-throwing icons that exist: the raised eyebrow, the hand giggling emoji, and — my personal favorite — the shush emoji.
The Defendant: The Verge
The Evidence:
The Deliberation: We’ve already gone over this, but clearly it bears repeating because when you don’t nip something thoroughly in the bud, you end up with people still saying Pete Souza is throwing shade despite the fact that this court has ruled over and over in favor of common sense.
The emojis themselves are not inherently shady. That wouldn’t make any damn sense. Nothing about telling someone to shush with a yellow circle is shade!!!! Just because something can be used to throw shade doesn’t mean it’s mere existence is shady. I mean, I imagine there is a scenario where, say, a taco could be used to throw shade, but that doesn’t mean every taco truck I pass is some sort of shade headquarters.
Some things need to be sacred. Technology cannot save you if you don’t know how to throw shade in the first place! It has its limits. Let the beauty and art of shade exist organically in the world in the world as it was meant to. Save the forests and save shade.
The Ruling: Not shade
Amicus Briefs
No. 17-006
Emmanuel Macron vs. Donald Trump
The Case: Donald Trump spent the week embarrassing our nation on other continents, including at a NATO summit. Let’s take a look:
Ok, did you see that? DID YOU SEE THAT? You saw it.
Emmanuel Macron walks STRAIGHT TOWARDS TRUMP. Trump is obviously expecting it—everyone is expecting it. However, at the last second, Macron swerves in the other direction and not just to anybody, but to Angela Merkel, a woman you know Trump can’t stand because she’s better at her job than he is.
Macron shakes Merkel’s hand then proceeds to shake the hand of everyone else in his vicinity. After making him wait as long as he possibly can, Macron finally turns to Trump and engages in one of his stupid “me big strong man” exhibitions he calls a handshake.
The Argument: My god. I almost don’t even want to say too much about it because some things are so beautiful they should be enjoyed and experienced in their purest state without any extra commentary or cutter. That, that was fucking incredible.
“I don’t have to tell you you’re the laughingstock of the entire world and nobody respects you because you know you’re the laughingstock of the entire world and everybody hates you, you got-left-hanging-in-front-of-everybody motherfucker.”
The Conclusion: Shade