Welcome back to Midweek Madness, where this week Adele, Beyoncé, and Kate Middleton are ALL having babies, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s split is only getting dirtier, and the tabloids—desperate to keep Jennifer Aniston looking jealous and heartbroken—have invented a love triangle between the Friends star, her husband Justin Theroux and Amy Sedaris!
To quote Sedaris’ beloved character Jerri Blank, “I GOT SOMETHING TO SAY.” And that something is all about this weeks ‘bloids! Let’s go!
OK!
Adele is having a dream wedding! Good for Adele! According to OK!, the singer’s longterm partner Simon Konecki proposed after Adele heckled him on stage about NOT proposing at a concert in July! These two! And if you didn’t get that the pair were very DOWN TO EARTH (TM), they plan to tie the knot at a British pub. They’re also trying to have a second baby, which will probably be birthed in a British pub, as well.
Speaking of babies, Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are fighting over their birthing plan. “Delivering [their daughter] Wyatt naturally was extremely important to Mila and she wants her little boy to come into the world the same way, drug-free,” says a source. Too bad, though, because Ashton—treating this labor like a new episode of Punk’d—wants Mila on all the drugs! Every drug there is! “He thinks he has a better perspective on what’s best than his hormone-fueled wife,” the source adds and—whoops!—my head just burst into flames.
You guys ready for some SEX news? Jennifer Lawrence (26) and Darren Aronofsky (47) might be having it. According to OK!, Lawrence knew that she was going to fall for the director when she signed on to star in his new untitled movie, even telling a friend, “I’m so going to fall in love with him.” On set, Aronofsky is notably difficult, but it just makes her notably hornyyyy. “He didn’t go easy on her despite their developing relationship,” says an insider, adding that “he really pushes the envelope when it comes to her performance, insisting on nudity, physical extremes, and raw emotion. If anything, it only made her love him more.” Ooh, healthy AND sexxxy.
Elsewhere in OK!, did you know that human bodies, even famous human bodies, fluctuate in weight and shape over time? Mind-blowing! Also, Val Kilmer took a tumbleweed, dipped it in 22-karat gold, and now you—yes, YOU—can buy it for $150K. A steal, if you ask me!
Life & Style
Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton are juuuuuust about ready to get married, they just need to work out a few prenup details. According to an insider, “The whole process is causing a lot of stress,” something we all know that Blake—a good ol’ country boy who just wants his beer, his hound and a pickup truck—hates. Blake “is more laid-back about it. He would give Gwen whatever she wants and would happily get married without a prenup.” Wow, Blake sounds like a real idiot!
Looks like it’s far from PARADISE in these Bachelor-franchise relationships! (Yes, ABC, I’d be happy to write your ad copy.) Both Jojo Fletcher and Jordan Rodgers and Ben Higgins and Lauren Bushnell’s relationships are on the rocks. So on the rocks, in fact, that filming them would make great B-roll for whenever the next Bachelor takes his harem of sad desperate-ados to some volcanic tropical island. Imagine it: A girl wondering is she’ll get the rose while Ben and Lauren flounder on the shore.
Now that their relationship is healed, Beyoncé and Jay Z are ready for another babé. “Now with her six-month Formation tour behind her, they’ve decided to take a huge step forward by having baby No. 2" and they’re certain that it’ll be a boy. (Look how it worked out for Henry VIII.) “If they have a son, they both agree on naming him Adnes, after Jay’s dad, Adnes Reeves,” says an “insider” who probably knows nothing about anything.
A relationship that’s not healed? Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s, but lucky us, some of Life & Style’s most trusted therapists have weighed in on where the couple went wrong:
- Differences in how they wanted to discipline their children with Brad wanting RULES and Angelina wanting NO RULES
- Angie’s “nomadic lifestyle”
- That’s about it
By the way, Life & Style is definitely Team Pitt or is at least getting the bulk of their info from Pitt’s PR team.
Star
Pity the flight attendant who’s serving Gigi Hadid. According to two of this week’s tabloids, the model might be a Victoria’s Secret Angel while on earth but is a demon in the sky, demanding impossible foods and always finding something to complain about. Apparently, there’s only one thing that makes her chill out and it’s the presence of her boyfriend, Zayn Malik. Excuse me, doc! I’d like a prescription of Zaynax for my flight anxiety, asap!
In the midst of personal and emotional struggles, Selena Gomez reportedly feels abandoned by her former best friend Taylor Swift. According to a mutual friend, “Taylor has been M.I.A. It’s sad. Selena feels like everyone has abandoned her in her time of need.” We’re here for you, Selena. Let us know what you need. Speaking of Taylor, Ryan Reynolds apparently can’t stand Blake Lively’s growing role within the squad. “When Blake invites the girls over, Ryan sticks around for maybe five minutes before he bolts out the door,” says a source. “The last thing he wants to do is kick it back with a bunch of boy-crazy Millennials.” Then maybe he shouldn’t have married one?
Tom and Katie—the Vanderpump Rules couple, not the Scientology couple...yet—have only been married a couple months and already they’re headed for divorce. “Katie thought getting married would solve all their problems, but it’s made things worse.” Wait, she thought getting married came with personality transplants?
While we’re on the topic of marriages in trouble, Star is asking if Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman are over. Short answer: No, they’re not, but fun fact—Keith Urban’s uncle is named Paul Urbahn. Tobey McGuire, on the other hand, is getting HELLA divorced from wife/jewelry designer Jennifer Meyer and it might because he’s leaving two separate lives—one as a good husband and father and another as a gambler and longterm member of Leonardo DiCaprio’s infamous Pussy Posse. I know which life I’d choose...
Oh, yeah: the cover story is about Kate Middleton’s secret pregnancy, which—sorry, nodded off there for a moment.
In Touch
Kim Kardashian has been “dumped at her lowest point” according to this week’s cover, though the inside story says otherwise. Kim, understandably still traumatized from her Paris robbery reportedly asked Kanye to cut his tour short and he—apparently tired of her constant crying and complaining following the burglary—said no. Gross behavior? Yes. A dumping? Not quite. Besides, all of this is made up anyway :)
In Kardashian adjacent news, Jonathan Cheban, her best friend, says that “haters mean nothing to me,” which is probably why he spends his whole day arguing with them on Twitter. He also claims that he has hyper sensitive taste buds, saying, “When I taste strawberries, they taste at least 10 times better to me than they will to you.” Congrats?
Portia and Ellen: HEADED FOR DIVORCE! Various celebrities: TOO TAN! Fixer Upper’s Chip and Joanna Gaines: part of a Christian cult? Maybe! Former members of their church, the Antioch Community Church in Waco, Texas, say that “the church holds very strong beliefs” that can be perceived as cult-ish and emotionally abusive. Says one former member who was diagnosed with schizophrenia, “They thought I was possessed by a demon...They pinned me to the floor and yelled for Satan to leave” in front of the entire church.
On a much brighter note, In Touch really brought the ridiculousness this week, claiming that Jennifer Aniston has become increasingly jealous of Justin Theroux 15+ years friendship with Amy Sedaris. “She doesn’t get the Justin-Amy best friend relationship,” says a source. “She’s incredibly jealous of the whole setup and is always afraid that something more is going on than joking around when the two get together.” While this story reads as total fiction, it does provide two very cute facts: 1. Amy Sedaris met Justin Theroux when she was waitressing and he came into her restaurant with Philip Seymour Hoffman and 2. she was one of his groomsmen in his wedding to Aniston. Aw!
Anyway, here are some pets dressed up in costume! YAY!