This is a series called Sheroes & Zeroes, about the people who defined our year in culture in both terrific and terrible ways.
For far too many women, the online dating experience has been peppered with unfortunate interactions with salty-ass dudes. It's been a banner year for asswipes, dickwads, and douchenozzles on internet dating sites. So boys, this one is for you.
Love doesn't come easy. And it's even more difficult when a mere whiff of rejection causes you to emotionally combust into a vindictive spree of angry messages, imbued with the horrifying realization that oh dear, you're not actually Goddess' gift to women. Sure, it can be pretty tough to put yourself out there, to present yourself to the world and hope that someone out there likes you or shares your appreciation for Murakami or at least gives two shits about your Myers-Briggs personality type. But if you're going to dedicate your Journey of Love to straight-up harassing women who already don't want anything to do with you, then I've got a couple words for you. So…
To the Gun Jumper: the dude who does not wait for a woman to even read his first message before launching into a furious diatribe and hurling wild accusations at her for not paying attention to him.
To the Flip Flop: the guy who, after complimenting and wooing a woman unsuccessfully, retroactively rescinds his previous compliments and thoughtfully takes the opportunity to say something along the lines of "yeah well ur fat/ugly anyway."
To the Charity Case: the dude who, after being rejected, indulges in sorority roommate-status passive aggressive remarks framed as doing a woman a favor i.e. "just so u know, you look fuking ugly in that picture in front of the Chuck E. Cheese. there, i did you a solid."
To the Slightly More Empowering Charity Case: a variant of the Charity Case mentioned above: "Do yourself a favor and take down that fuking ugly picture in front of the Chuck E. Cheese."
To the Investment Portfolio: the man who waves his salary and his 401K and his AMEX and his VIP Airport Lounge pass and his Fuddruckers Club Card and his Platinum Boxcar Children Kid Detective Membership in women's faces, demanding they give him the respect and affection Wolf of Wall St. showed him he deserves.
To the Loan Shark: the guy who thinks he's owed everything, from general interaction, to an explanation as to why an uninterested woman doesn't want to see him, to a report on why a woman he was chatting with just dropped off for a couple days, to an apology for anything, to probably 20 bucks.
To the Sexy (Pic) Can I: the guy who simply cannot fathom the fact that women don't want to send him pictures of their breasts or vulva even though he asked politely and—AND—said, "Please!" He is equally incredulous as to why women aren't interested in seeing his dick. There are millions and millions of pictures of dicks that are far better than the grainy pic he's shopping, but dammit this dick is his.
To the Nice Guy: THE DUDE WHO IS, LIKE, A REALLY GREAT GUY AND ALL HIS FEMALE FRIENDS TELL HIM ABOUT HOW GREAT HE IS, AND HE'S ALSO A SENSITIVE AND PASSIONATE LOVER, BUT HE GUESSES NICE GUYS ALWAYS FINISH LAST BECAUSE OF BITCHES LIKE THE ONE HE'S RELENTLESSLY MESSAGING.
To the Stuck-Up Artist: the man who can spot a stuck-up bitch a mile away and would really like whatever pa-rincess he's messaging at the moment to fucking get down from that high horse and get the fuck over herself because she's not the hot rose-scented shit she thinks she is.
To the Orientalist: the guy who totally has a thing for brown-ish, caramel-ish, and/or racially ambiguous women. It's not like a race thing though, he just has an appreciation for other cultures, and he's actually really good at 1) guessing women's heritages based on his keen understanding of stereotypes and his own favorite cuisine and 2) spewing custom racial epithets upon rejection.
To the Dude Who Literally Cunt: the asshole who responds to any form of rejection or lack of response with a single word. "cunt." Ususally all lowercase. Variant: "bitch."
... And to everyone else who falls under this beautiful shit rainbow of insecure dudes who take their bitterness and lonely frustration out on women instead of coming to terms with rejection:
Fuck the fuck off. Bye Felipe.
Illustration by Tara Jacoby.